Lee Suckling: The secret to a good break-up

Gaining constructive criticism, however uncomfortable it will make you, is one of the most valuable aspects here. Image / Getty Images

Most couples hope that any relationship would end amicably, were it to end.

For some people, the concept of leaving a partner or spouse on good terms is unfeasible because of the emotional pain break-ups have inevitably caused them in the past. Other people might do anything possible to salvage some sort of goodwill after a dissolution and, at minimum, remain cordial.

If you find yourself in the latter camp upon the unfortunate demise of a romantic relationship, I have a suggestion for you. Conduct a relationship exit interview.

You're probably done an exit interview before when leaving a job. It's a chance to tell your employer about what works, and what doesn't – in both your role and the company as a whole. It's not exactly a situation where you have carte blanch to mouth off – decorum must be maintained, and your reputation preserved. However, you can be very honest – even where it hurts – because you're doing it in a polite and productive manner.

Why conduct one of these exit interviews for your relationship if it ends? The exponential growth it could herald is worth it alone.

Gaining constructive criticism, however uncomfortable it will make you, is one of the most valuable aspects here. In a safe space, you can learn how to improve as a person, and as part of a couple.

You can uncover the general habits that drive others crazy that you can work on. You can find out about how you say/do hurtful things, but your ex never said anything about them. You might even be told of the aspects of your personality that others – not just your ex – recognise as problematic.

Then, when you leave the exit interview, you can have some conversations with yourself about if and how you can improve. If they are not things you can (or want to) change, that's OK too. Knowing your flaws and accepting them is as important as any part of this process.

For this reason, we should remember there's a flipside here. Imagine learning all of the things you do well in relationships all in one go. The ways you're attentive, caring, and thoughtful. The things you do best. What makes you an amazing partner. How you make someone else feel special and loved. Your greatest emotional and physical attributes. What you do in bed that really makes someone happy.

Also bear in mind that relationship exit interviews are reciprocal. You take turns giving and receiving titbits of information about the other person. It's not a huge assault on your psyche, it can be more like a tennis match.

Most important in a relationship exit interview is understanding when and why the relationship started to fail. Was there a moment where everything changed, or a gradual decline? How were both parties responsible? Could reactions have been better, in hindsight? At any point did either of you not feel "heard" by the other?

This will serve you very well in every other relationship you ever have. It will be the most painful part of an exit interview. It may also save your future relationships from ending in the same or similar ways.

Go into your relationship exit interview prepared, with questions ready. This isn't a free-for-all. I actually think it can be valuable to look up job-relation exit interview questions online and edit them to suit. You'll have a stash of quandaries such as, "What were three things you enjoyed most about this relationship?" and "What didn't we do, that if it started to do, would improve things? rather than being put on the spot.

If a face-to-face meet is too daunting, consider a written interview. Something you do via email with a set of questions for both of you. You won't get the pure honesty you would get in person, but you will still gain insight.

There are some things that shouldn't be asked or discussed in relationship exit interviews.
Asking targeted questions about specific issues or situations (e.g. "what were you thinking when you did THIS on THAT day?") can result in arguments which needn't be rehashed. You're already broken up, after all.

Do not bring up any gossip you've heard from others about your ex, or your relationship. It's too fraught and won't end with the constructive resolution you hope. Remember not to be slanderous or fire insults, and never use an exit interview to try and change someone's mind about the break-up.

Obviously, the relationship exit interview is only for mature adults. It's not something for the faint-hearted because unlike a professional exit interview, it gets personal. It's about you.

If you're willing to go through a little pain to – potentially – end up a lot happier in every other relationship you ever have, such an interview will give you closure too. If you learn nothing else from it, you will solidify that moving on was the right thing to do.