Lee Suckling: The negative trait that's key to a thriving relationship

A little signal of jealousy can be as subtle as extra attention on an attractive alternative passing a couple by. Image / Getty Images

It's considered a negative trait but jealousy, in small doses, reminds our lover that we want them, argues Lee Suckling.

Humans naturally want opposing and contradictory things in their relationships. We want strong, reliable, and intimate connections on the one hand, but on the other, we yearn for spontaneity, novelty, and sex appeal.

This is the argument of renowned sex therapist and author Esther Perel. In her book, State of Affairs, Perel expands on the idea arguing that for some couples a healthy dose of jealousy can fuel a marriage's fire long after trackpants have become a daily reality.

As territorial creatures, humans try harder when they feel threatened. Whitney Cummings' movie, The Female Brain, demonstrates this specifically when the male protagonist feels threatened and puffs his chest out ... biologically to look bigger and thus more impressive in comparison to an alternate suitor. This is as much a signal to his partner as to the challenger.

Few long-term married couples could argue that standards don't slip after years of partnership. Sharing laundry chores certainly pierces any pretence of surprise or novelty. Someone has to wash and fold that sexy underwear. While this level of interdependence is ideal, it doesn't counter-balance a need to see you are wanted.

This is where Perel makes a lot of her point. Jealousy, in small doses, reminds our lover that we want them. It says, "I haven't forgotten how good you looked the first time I saw you." Often it also indicates you're partner still thinks you are attractive towards others.

A little signal of jealousy can be as subtle as extra attention on an attractive alternative passing a couple by, or as obvious as physically cutting off an interaction. The sense of exhilaration required to satisfy the desire for spontaneity and novelty can easily be met on both sides with a simple wake-up call. One partner is still considered attractive to the world. The best response is for the other partner to show their own attraction is still alive and fuel for intimacy.

Too much of anything is bad, of course. Western literature is littered with obsessive and overly jealous lovers. The root word for jealous is the Greek zelos, the same word that gave us zealot and zealous. We would also be remiss in failing to acknowledge the damaging effect of family violence as the result of immature and insecure partners not in control of themselves or their emotions.

But in thinking of appropriate demonstrations of jealousy, I think we should be looking a bit further than primal declarations of partnership. The jealousy keeping the spark going long-term can be expressed more subtly: upping your game to dress as well as you did when you met; grooming on a regular or at least weekly basis. Compliments, passionate kisses, and being caught in romantic gazes in public all demonstrate low-level jealousy in the form of longing affection.

This all sounds simple. But uncommunicative Kiwis often struggle at it. Think back in your life to where one partner's response to the other's flirtations - or worse - have been met with stony indifference. Hate is not the opposite of love, after all, indifference is. Often our Anglo stiff-upper-lip approach does more damage than good; it can be quite hurtful.

This offers us the key to helpful levels of jealousy in a long lasting relationship: communication.

It's not an admission you're losing the relationship battle to acknowledge you were jealous of your partner flirting with someone new. It is not weakness to highlight you didn't like someone you met at a party because you felt protective and territorial. In many cases, it can actually be arousing.

Communicating these feelings gives cause for greater intimacy. Couples who are open and communicative often find more profound levels of confidence and trust in each other. Talking about these feelings also lets off the pressure and avoids bottled up frustrations.

American writer Minna Antrim poetically pointed out that without the green-eyed monster, we'll only find Cupid's corpse. Where once marriages were held together by societal norm and cultural customs, nowadays we're on our own. Only couples themselves can keep their relationships strong. So use all the tools available to you from communication to a healthy dose of jealousy. At the right time and place, these things can create the spontaneity we often desire in our relationships.