Lee Suckling: Six questions you want to ask before sex

I've never assumed that someone you've had sex with will sleep over, but that's not how all think about it. Some people think sleepovers are a given. Photo / Getty Images

We live in an age where consent is now expected for sexual engagement. Before having sex with somebody, they need to give you a clear, unambiguous "yes". And you need to do the same. It's basic democracy between the sheets.

If you could, though, would you ask other questions before having sex with somebody – particularly when it's the first time? In an ideal world, if you weren't afraid of being awkward, killing the mood, or seeming rude or high-and-mighty, what's on your wish-list of stuff to say before you play?

1. When did you last get tested?

No matter how many times we are told this is a "must ask", I still can't figure out a non-confrontational way to ask somebody: "When was the last time you were tested for STIs?" This question feels presumptuous, because you're assuming sex is imminent. It also seems accusatory; potentially inferring that they are lax on their testing routine.

Most likely, however, there's the fear that they will think you're calling them "dirty". Despite the fact that everyone needs sexual health checkups and (STI infection rates have nothing to do with promiscuity or hygiene) when being asked about testing, I think we all wonder: "Why, do you think I'm a slut?"

2. Who was the last person you had sex with?

Why this query is relevant to the person asking, I have no idea. It's none of your business who someone last had sex with. But that doesn't kill curiosity.

We want to know this because it might give us an indication of the significance of an impending sexual encounter. Am I just this Saturday's bed-warmer? Or have you been waiting months to find someone you're attracted to, and have a connection with?

3. What protection are we using?

Seems like a simple and unoffensive question, doesn't it? Are we going to use a condom, are you on the pill, are you on PrEP?

A lot of guys are apprehensive about condoms and will use any excuse to go unprotected. Which is why we really should make a vocal statement out of this question, rather than finding out that somebody's (terribly inaccurate and lazy) idea of protection is the "pulling out" method.

4. Are you sleeping with anyone else at the moment?

A couple might make a conscious decision to become exclusive (monogamous) down the track, but it's unwise to assume that's the case from date number one. Or even date five.

Regardless, everybody wants to know if someone they are sleeping with is getting it on with somebody else too. Perhaps it's because – if we knew – it would give us more permission to do the same. On the other hand, who doesn't want to know if someone is spending equal amounts (or more) of affectionate time with someone else, yet continues to make you feel super special?

5. What are we doing when we're done?

I've never assumed that someone you've had sex with will sleep over, but that's not how all think about it. Some people think sleepovers are a given.

Others want to watch a movie on Netflix 'til 4am. Or get burgers and fries delivered via Uber Eats. Some might even want to go back to the bar or club you met them in and re-join their friends (or hook up with someone else).

I think anyone has all the right to know if sex is a one-hour affair, or a 12-hour thing that will have breakfast at the end of it.

6. Are you sure you want to do this?

Any person can revoke their consent for sex at any time. We also know that consent isn't always verbal – despite all advice on how to counter rape culture – it can be given by body language, actions, and reciprocations.

In the latter cases, I think all sexually-active people being conscious about their partners' welfare should get a second, verbal conformation before going ahead with sex.

We might not think it necessary, but as "language, actions, and reciprocations" do not actually equal consent, only a spoken "yes" does. A lot less people would be harmed if more of us asked: "Are you sure?".