Lee Suckling: Since when did I become a geriatric millennial?

Is it the best of both worlds, or are we geriatric millennials poised to never quite belong, well, anywhere? Photo / Getty Images

OPINION:

The term "geriatric pregnancy" has always sat particularly uncomfortably with me, as I'm sure it does with women. Thirty-five years old and science considers you "geriatric"? The connotations – fragility, hospital gowns, walkers… they're blisteringly cruel.

Imagine my horror when I learned that people born between 1980 and 1985 are now being referred to as "geriatric millennials". The juxtaposition between the words in this descriptor (the former meaning elderly and often used in a healthcare setting, the latter often synonymous with naivety and precociousness) is mind-boggling. How has it come to this, and am I – born in 85 – officially a geriatric millennial now?

Millennials of my ilk come from the last era in history that transcended analogue and digital during our formative youths. We entered education pre-internet. We started high school pre-social media. We've owned VHS tapes, DVDs, and streaming subscriptions; cassettes, CDs, pirated MP3 downloads and curated Spotify playlists. We wore the current incarnation of early-noughties fashion when it was on-trend the first time, but can still pull it off in 2021. We are technically the same age as Britney Spears, but still feel cool enough to vibe to Billie Eilish. Just.

Technology, obviously, is what bridges us into that geriatric zone, because we observed the rise of every major tech company – some from when they were being run out of university dorm rooms. Amazon, Google, MSN, MySpace, Bebo, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and Netflix have all nurtured us in our development. They taught us how to shop, search, and share; outstripping the technology itself and changing the way we holistically live our lives. I also bet we're the only generation that have had both Tamagotchi babies and actual babies.

To contrast with the generations either side of us, Gen X had an upbringing completely free of all these distractions. Conversely, younger millennials (or Gen Z) haven't seen any of this in development. This high level of connectedness is all natural to them.

What else puts me, and anyone else between 35 and 40 in the "geriatric" category? Well, my bones have started to creak when I wake up in the morning. I get injured during exercise and it take ages to recover. A hangover lasts up to three days, coffee doesn't perk me up when I'm tired (which is all day, every day) anymore, and when friends invite me to go out "to town" I'll ghost them well before midnight. And when an event comes up that I don't want to go to? I naturally use the phrase, "I can't, I'm old".

As a geriatric millennial, I accept I'm well-beyond being a YouTube star and I refuse to get a TikTok. I'm an ambitious hustler, but loathe the idea of trying to be a "brand". I've been locked out of the Auckland housing market but still have White Picket Fence goals. I'm comfortable talking about my mental health, but would never livestream a mental breakdown for likes. I accept and celebrate fluidity in gender and sexuality, but was still moulded by a societal binary where you had to label yourself straight or gay and male or female.

Traversing both young and old, this is a weird space to exist in. Is it the best of both worlds, or are we geriatric millennials poised to never quite belong, well, anywhere? Are we stuck between cool-but-conservative Gen Xers, and progressive-but-naive Gen Z? Are we allowed to look up to both the Jennifer Anistons and the Zendayas; the Brad Pitts and the Lil Nas Xs?

I still feel young. Yet when I talk to friends who are 10-15 years older, they still feel young too. Sure, your 30s are the new 20s, but 40s are the new 30s and 50s are the new 40s. I could do that (admittedly uber-millennial) thing of reclaiming the label "geriatric" and making it something to be proud of, like I've done with "queer", "POC", and "diagnosed with anxiety".

But I don't think I'm ready. Akin to if I was a pregnant woman over 35, I've taken umbrage with being told I'm elderly. I am only just figuring out what it means to be an adult. Call me conservative, naive, progressive, and wise … I'm all of these things. Being on the older end of millennials, we're not even halfway through life yet, and there are still many glimmers of youth ahead of us.