"Stop saying 'sorry'," Blake Lively says in A Simple Favour, the murder mystery film recently landed on Netflix in New Zealand. "It's a f***ed up female habit. You have nothing to apologise for."
A century earlier, Dame Maggie Smith's Dowager Countess of Grantham would chide you for, "begging yourpardon". There's something entertaining about reflecting our bad habits back on us.
But you know you say it. In the queue at the supermarket. When you flub your words. When you're two minutes late. When your Zoom screen freezes. Actually, according to studies, you say sorry out loud at least eight times a day.
If you're a woman, you say it about 10 times each day. Lively's character was on the money: apologising is more female than male.
McMaster University research in Ontario, Canada, says women genuinely believe they should apologise more than their male counterparts. Anecdotally, Canadians stereotypically say sorry too, often, but less than New Zealanders.
"If men deem an infraction egregious enough, they apologise. The problem is they find very few infractions deserving of an apology, and women are apologising for just about everything."
When men apologise at the same rate as women, they are as sensitive, even weak. Men from minorities, eg, queer men and men of colour, also end up apologising as much as women. We are forever navigating an older, straighter, white men's world.
Wanda Sykes joked the Obamas could never be seen arguing publicly, "because White People are looking at you!" Australian feminist Ruby Hamad notes self-censorship arises more among minorities as they avoid being seen as "an Angry Black Woman". The same goes for men of colour, and the "Uppity Gay Man" trope. You can't be labelled angry, unreasonable, or hysterical if you're apologising.
Another Canadian study - from the University of Waterloo - finds men rated the "offences" as less severe than women did.
It's no wonder straight guys don't say sorry much: they don't have the same intuitional barriers when someone thinks you're "difficult". As a man, you're just assertive.
Many of us are serial apologisers. We feel pressure to appear warmer, even if it makes us look less competent.
"Stop saying 'sorry'," says Blake Lively in A Simple Favour. "It's a f***ed up female habit. You have nothing to apologise for." Photo / Supplied
Even when I'm winning in life, I apologise because others aren't also on top! Ever heard, "sorry, not sorry"? Self-deprecating memes are often founded in the kernel of truth.
I even apologise when someone has done something wrong, just to diffuse the situation. I remember being in a fender-bender, at school. Two cars' bumpers collided. While nobody was to blame, I remember being vehemently apologetic. The other driver's response? "So you admit it's your fault?"
It wasn't necessarily my mistake; nobody ascertained anything yet. He saw an opportunity for me – then a naïve queer kid – to take legal responsibility because I was being polite. In the end, it was my insurance covering both cars' repairs.
New Zealand's Tall Poppy Syndrome is another reason many of us are serial apologisers. We are afraid of being cut down for success, so apologies are a way of deflecting attention.
Made money selling a property? You will apologise for the market at the right time. Being told "you're so lucky" because you paid for an international holiday somewhere glamorous? You will apologise for others' commitments at home or unable to travel.
I'm not saying men (rather, straight white men) don't apologise in New Zealand. They do, but scientific evidence shows it's not at the same level. For a man to apologise, they need to have done something really bad.
The rest of us throw out "sorry" like candy on Halloween. Just to pre-empt any offence.
But should we stop apologising so much? I will say this, serial apologising makes your life more drama-free.
I'm conflict-averse. My desire for tension is zero in all situations; work, personal, whatever.
Admitting fault is the quickest way to move on, so if you're not an ego-focused person, I believe apologising is the ideal way to get on with the rest of your day faster.
Case in point: in 2009, Munich's Haus der Kunst hosted a show So Sorry, specifically to draw attention to governments' insincere apologies intended only to sweep things under the rug.
However, I do think – per Lively's advice – women need to raise their threshold for what constitutes an apology. Both when interacting with men, and with other women. The accumulation of small behaviour changes becomes the cultural shift when striving for greater equality.
Stop feeling the pressure to appear warmer and easier to be around. Men have spent literally thousands of years doing as they want without nary the utterance of a sorry. Why do you think Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd's apology to the Aboriginal nations of Australia was front page news?
It's time to apologise when you're genuinely sorry, and not out of habit. If you receive an unwarranted apology, maybe consider having the gall to reply, "you have nothing to apologise for".
