People are terrible at taking compliments. I know I am. If I receive a complimentary e-mail about something I wrote, I position myself in the diminutive. I downplay any positive effect my words could have had. "Nah, it was just a silly column!" I'll deflect, perhaps to avoid any sense of Tall Poppy Syndrome.
I'm the same with physical compliments: despite being an obsessive gymgoer, when someone says I have a fit body I feel bashful; even ashamed. As if accepting the remark would be perceived as boasting.
As people, we are taught to shun compliments because we're told it's unbecoming to think highly of ourselves. We want to avoid arrogance, or perceived arrogance, at any cost. When we receive any kind of kudos, particularly about our physicality, our natural instinct has become to either say "really?" in surprise or to completely refuse the compliment and literally say "no I don't!" with an awkward smile.
Granted, replying "I know, right? to a compliment such as "your body's looking great" or "your new haircut looks fantastic on you" feels weird. I've tried it out a few times, albeit sheepishly, this week.
This is exactly what has inspired me to write this column: even when I've forced myself to accept compliments, no matter how much effort I've put in to achieve the desired result, I still feel I can't totally own them.
Washington points out that women, in particular, are taught to deflect praise. That has to stop. It's just another way of telling females they are less important.
Vital in learning how to take compliments is to stop looking for hidden meanings within them. I feel like I often do this to uncover a (non-existent) ulterior motive, or simply to diminish the positive vibes so I don't feel conceited. This isn't okay, and it is something a lot of women do too. Most compliments are just fleeting compliments. They're genuine, mean exactly as expressed, and aren't lewd or predatory.
Recent wokeness has given us a lot of positive lessons, and taught us how to be critical. With this newfound critical thinking, however, sometimes we become overly pessimistic. We're so busy correctly identifying the bad that we forget the good.
In order to gracefully begin accepting compliments, your best bet is a simple "thank you". Rejecting or deflecting only makes you look insecure, and even if you are self-conscious – as we all are about certain parts of ourselves – the only way to get over that is to listen to others' objective comments.
Seriously, we must start believing the positive accolades people give us. Ladies, I'm particularly talking to you.
This can also do a lot of good when it comes to accepting one's perceived shortcomings and mistakes in the same way your observers do. That is, they are non-existent.
For example, if you give a speech in public or give a well-researched presentation and get congratulated, there's a natural inclination to dissect only the negative parts of your performance (such as the times you flubbed your words or lost your train of thought). In objective reality, nobody notices any of these things.
Rejecting somebody's compliment is also a bit of a disservice to them. It takes guts to verbally tell someone something good about themselves – most people stay silent. So to refuse a compliment is to question the compliment giver's judgment or taste. As if you know better than they do.
The other way humans often deflect a compliment is by what's called "restoring the balance". By that I mean, if you don't outright refuse the praise, you feel indebted to a person and force yourself to immediately give adoration back. Returning a compliment isn't always insincere, but the best commendations you can give come without being prompted.
Therefore, not only are you insulting yourself when you turn your back on praise, you're also disrespecting the giver. Instead, quit the fake modesty, allow yourself to feel a little pride, and tell someone how much you appreciate what they've said.
And while you're at it: do ensure, when the moments are right, that you give out compliments too.
