2. Messaging people you've never met will use up hours a day
Ninety-five per cent of the people you connect with on Instagram want to chat and be entertained. You'll regularly engage in hours-long DM sessions and feel like you intimately know them.
3. Nobody meets expectations in real life
On the occasions that an Instagram connection turns into a real life meet-up, the person won't meet your expectations. The conversation will be more stilted than it was online. They won't look the same. You will like them less and your connection won't feel as strong. They'll also be shorter than you expect, and have worse skin.
4. You'll become obsessed with stories
Once Instagram has you in its grips, you'll become obsessed with knowing what other people are doing. When you have nothing else to do, you may check the app multiple times per hour in search of entertainment and escape via others' IG stories.
5. There is pressure to post
The only way to gain followers is to be consistent in your posting. It must be almost daily and fit a theme, and this will create immense pressure on you – especially when you realise your life isn't that interesting.
6. You will caption your photos to seem humble and funny
Despite the visual content of your photos – even if you're lying on the bonnet of a Bentley in a bikini – you will play down your activities (e.g. "Just another Tuesday!") and try to seem deferential and self-deprecating.
7. Influencers will make you jealous
Many people make full-time careers out of being Instagram celebrities. They make money per post, they get flown around the world, they get clothes, beauty products, and even cars free. While you'll roll your eyes at influencers, you'll still be jealous of their lifestyles and their inordinate number of holidays.
8. Instagram will do nothing for your actual career
All this talk about personal branding through social media is largely a waste of time. Despite doing all the things you are "meant" to do (getting word out, promoting your projects, creating a public personality), anything vaguely commercial on Instagram bores people. None of it leads to actual career opportunities that pay the bills.
9. Near-naked photos get the most likes
People are on Instagram for all sorts of reasons, but a lot of them are there to look at beautiful people. If you get some, or most, of your kit off, you will get 100 to 400 per cent more likes. Especially if your face is clearly visible too.
10. Inauthentic validation gets old
Any kind of sexy picture will see your followers barrage you with eggplant, peach, and devil emojis. At first these feel like compliments and validation, but as time goes by they will tire you out.
11. The social status that comes with lots of followers is fake
People who can boast high follower counts (or even better, the blue tick) would seem to have a higher social standing than those without. This ideal is completely false because it's just a number, has nothing to do with who that person is in the real world.
12. Followers require maintenance
I chased new followers for the first six months on Instagram but posting every single day and strategically using hashtags. It works: I got over 100 new ones a week. Yet it's a constant struggle to maintain them and you will go through phases where you lose more followers per new post than you gain.
13. DM'ing after posting stories is fun
The main reason to post a story – which is only visible for 24 hours – is to participate in conversations. When you've got something to emotional say, show, protest, or be excited about, IG stories is where you'll do it. The direct messages you'll receive (and perhaps reply to) afterwards are wildly engaging.
14. You'll feel lonely after deleting your account
When Instagram is gone – not just deactivated, but deleted forever – you'll feel like you're missing out at first. You'll get far fewer notifications. You will pick up your phone needlessly and wonder what's happening on it. You will wonder if you friends and followers feel like you abandoned them.
15. E-mails, Facetime, and texts are more authentic
After a week, Instagram connections will be a distant memory. You'll be getting the same pleasure from personal e-mails, Facetime, and texts as you did posts and DMs. But they will be more meaningful. You'll be connecting with people who actually value you for who you are, not just the best version of yourself you have presented.
