Kyle MacDonald: My money issues are affecting my relationship

Money is among the top stressors in a relationship. Photo/123rf

Q: I've been told by my partner I have "money issues". I will admit I get pretty anxious about never having enough, and while I know we're okay - we both have good jobs, a nice house - I get really anxious about spending money, and running out. My partner has told me it's getting worse, and they feel like they can't spend anything because of my reaction. I want to relax about money, what can I do?

A: I grew up with a saying that was often used by my family: in polite company you don't talk about sex, politics, or money.

Why? I don't think it's a question of manners. It's because for most people one, or all of these subjects are emotionally loaded topics - and potentially divisive.

Let me throw another saying into the mix. My couples therapy colleagues will often say that 80 per cent of arguments in relationships are about sex, the kids, and money. For the same reason.

Money, a necessary evil for some, a life goal for others. We all have our own emotional attachment and responses to the mighty dollar, and I believe it's important to get clear and comfortable with that relationship so we can have good awareness around how our reactions can get in the way; so it's a great thing that you're asking yourself these questions, listening to your partner's feedback, and being thoughtful.

Like most things that we have strong feelings about, money does matter. It represents security and predictability, and we are strongly encouraged, in a practical sense, to take financial matters, like saving for our retirement, seriously.

On the other hand, dysregulated feelings can amplify the worry, anxiety and subsequent importance to the point where we risk getting in our own way. From what you've said, it sounds like money and having enough strongly represents security and emotional stability in a way that it doesn't for your partner - hence some growing conflict.

Like any anxiety, we need to both soothe it, and challenge it. With regards to money, soothing it might mean getting clear about the nature of the worries, and likely also where they come from. Have you imported your family of origin's approach to money wholesale, and if so what was your parents' approach like, and what was the downside? Alternatively, the anxiety you're describing can also be a reaction to growing up in a home that is genuinely worried about money, having enough and security.

Whatever your story, it's important to reflect and find ways to validate the worry. It's real, it comes from somewhere and it needs to be heard.

It's also important to challenge the anxiety, as it sounds that you recognise it's out of proportion to your day-to-day life now. It is a fear out of place.

Good, clear trustworthy information can help here. It might be worth talking, with your partner, to a qualified financial adviser and getting some clear plans in place. If there is an amount of money you feel you need to have in savings to feel okay, then great. Work towards that.

Perhaps most importantly, do all of this to ensure you and your partner can be a team together with finances - not opposed and in conflict. Money is an important tool, and in our modern world, it is an unavoidable tool.

But it's not more important than love.