Kyle MacDonald: How to deal with bereavement and grief at Christmas time

It’s not unusual for grief to come surging back at this time of year. Photo / Getty

Q My husband of thirty years died last year, and this will be my second Christmas without him. Last year was awful, and even though family were supportive, I’m dreading Christmas this year and feeling anxious just thinking about it. I’m worried people think I should be over it by now, I think I should be over it - and I don’t want to ruin everyone’s day. Should I still be struggling?

A It’s not unusual for grief to come surging back at this time of year, after all, this is when we’re supposed to gather with our family and loved ones. It can be very obvious and upsetting when people are missing - and we miss them.

It’s also not unusual to feel anxiety about the expected emotions, no one wants to feel distressed, and in a way, you’re right to expect it. But even so, it’s not helpful to fear it.

As to your main question, should you be over it yet? No, you most certainly shouldn’t, in fact, you may never be over it in the sense that your husband - and some version of the grief - will likely always be with you. That’s not to say that you will always feel overwhelmed, grief-stricken or unable to handle the emotions - just that once you’ve loved someone for that long they never really leave us, emotionally speaking.

The normal course of grief is that it comes and goes. Over time, we may still feel the feelings strongly, but time will pass between when we feel them, and those gaps will slowly get longer. And as they do, the intensity of the feelings will also gradually fade - and they become less sharp.

Grief is actually best understood as a learning process, albeit a very painful one. And what our attachment system has to learn is that the person is no longer around. But because our attachment system is very good at holding on to people, it takes time - turns out on this front we all tend to be slow learners.

To learn, we need to be able to lean into the feelings and the experience of the loss, not, despite how easy it can be to do so, avoid the experience and try to block or run away from the emotions.

Our brain requires us to be open to the reality so we can update the map of our relationships, and adapt as required to the change. Any expectation that we might reach a point where we no longer feel that loss is unhelpful, as it sets us up to believe that if we are still experiencing those feelings it must mean that something is wrong.

Having said that, grief can turn into depression, but there is a difference. Depression is dominated by feeling stuck. On the other hand, grief moves, flows and comes and goes. Grief resolves naturally - and what is vital is to make sure we remain connected with those who are still around.

Keeping the person alive in our memories doesn’t have to be dominated emotionally by distressed sadness. Often when we take the time to notice our loved one’s absence, it can also be done in a way that involves a fond sadness, or a feeling of remembrance. Even better if we do that with others that also love and remember that person too.

Hopefully, your family and loved ones can do that with you, because I imagine they miss him too. You may want to check in with yourself, and with those close to you about how you might want to remember him on the day - as well as the fact that at times you may be sad.