Kyle MacDonald: How can I reconcile with my daughter?

It can be hard to reconcile as the distance grows. But no matter the age of our children, we never stop being the parent. Photo / Getty

Q: I haven't spoken to my daughter for five years, since not long after I left her mother. It wasn't pretty, and she took us separating hard as a teenager. She seems to have blamed me for everything, and has made it clear she doesn't want anything to do with me. She's an adult now, and I've heard third hand she's still saying some awful things about me. I don't know what to do, I want to fix things, but some of the things she's saying simply aren't true. What can I do?

A: How heartbreaking for you as her Dad - things must've been quite messy for the two of you to walk away from each other like this. It can be hard once that has happened to know how to reconcile, even harder as time goes on and the distance grows.

At the risk of stating the obvious, if she is set in her mind that she doesn't want to see you, or reconcile, then there is little you can do. But it is okay to try to start a new conversation, and indeed I believe you should.

No matter the age of our children, we never stop being the parent - so the responsibility for fixing things rests largely with you, regardless of whether you feel responsible for how things got here.

The trick is to swallow your pride, and be prepared to be generous, which might include being able to apologise for, and take the hit for things, that you may not feel are your fault.

This is not about being right, or wrong, or about your point of view being heard. The task is to create a conversation that enables your daughter to feel that her point of view is heard, and that you can understand her pain.

Defensiveness - on both sides - will only get in the way, and maybe it has up until now?

So, the aim is to stay open, to hear her views and hurt, and absorb it - in the interests of the relationship.

Now, of course, I'm not talking about tolerating bad or abusive behaviour, but if she has some ideas or experiences from the time of the marriage breakdown that may not be "true" from your point of view, it's important to hear and fully understand these before putting your own views and experiences forward - it may take some time, and rebuilding of trust before you can do that. It's also possible you may never fully get to do that.

I've assumed so far, that if you approach it gently, then it may be possible to talk - but if it isn't then everything I've said still applies, it just may be necessary to write it down - I'm a big fan of thoughtful letters - giving her time to read and digest what you've said.

A letter is better because the risk of email, text or other online messaging is we can respond quickly and reactively, with a letter it's slower and can - hopefully - prompt reflection, time and space to think about what you're saying.

But overall, the task is to be humble - and apologise - as much as you need to. You may or may not be guilty of the things she is saying about you, but you are responsible for leaving, and you are responsible for the things that led to her feeling she couldn't talk to you about how she felt. So be sorry for what happened, for what you did, and for walking away.

And most of all, be patient, with yourself and her. It may take some time, and gently being present again until she's ready to let down her guard is the aim.