From waters breaking to barefoot serenades, Kiwi singletons reveal to Jenni Mortimer their dates gone wrong
Dating in New Zealand can, at times, feel utterly hopeless. If they aren’t a walking red flag and didn’t date one of your friends, then chances are, in little old Aotearoa, you’re related to them.
If you defy all the odds and both agree to a second date, by right of passage, you must then scream internally as you try to figure out paying protocols, look past the fact they have “crypto” *dollar eyes emoji* in their bio, and somehow get through the courting stages un-icked.
While the thought of the above is traumatic enough to have you googling “Who gets my KiwiSaver if I die alone?”, it’s also the character-building bit in your life story that you (and your friends) will reference while laugh crying for decades to come.
So, in an ode to all our beautiful bad dates, Kiwis reveal their best stories of dates gone wrong.
*Elle
I met a guy through a casual uni job we were both working at. He was quiet, a bit older, and we didn’t seem to have much in common. But given his striking resemblance to Chris Hemsworth and my being 21, we decided to go out on a few dates.
During what would be our final one, we were hanging out in his lounge watching TV when he suddenly appeared to get emotional. Out of nowhere, he whipped off his socks, planted himself on a bean bag and reached for a guitar propped up beside the fireplace.
I was left sitting on the couch, looking down at what was now his bean bag arena as he began to sing Adele’s, Someone Like You and tapping his bare feet on the floor. I had no idea what I was supposed to do and where to look as he closed his eyes in what appeared to be a very private moment.
While I’m no Simon Cowell, my untrained ear knew the lad was not a natural talent. I desperately looked for an out and suddenly became overly conscious of what I was doing with my hands and face how I was sitting.
As he launched into track 3 on his spontaneous set list about love lost, I left the room to get a glass of water and briefly considered not coming back.
When he finally stopped after about 25 minutes, he opened his eyes and looked in my direction for some sort of response to songs that were clearly in no way for me. I panicked and began to clap slowly, and waited as he put his socks back on and clambered out of his beanbag. Shortly after, I found a polite reason to leave, and all seemed fine.
Years later, I was on a date and turned to see that he was seated at a table directly across from me. I smiled and gave a polite wave, to which he responded by blocking me on all social media platforms.
*Savannah
The date started off perfectly average. He was polite, punctual, and complimented my outfit. But things took a sharp left turn when his gaze fixated on my heeled boots. What began as idle chatter quickly spiralled into an unsolicited TED Talk about how heels ruin posture and the importance of arch support.
He was obsessed with my feet and kept circling back to the topic, asking what colour my toenails were painted and suggesting I take off my boots “just to let them breathe”… while we were sitting at a bar. I declined several times. Then, without warning, he lifted my foot and removed a boot to “inspect” them. That was my cue. I panic-texted a friend to stage a fake emergency call and got out of there.
After the date, he then started texting me photos of feet he thought were “pretty.” Which then led me to blocking his number and him from every social media app I could think of.
*Troy
I was living in the United States and had met someone who was a keen runner (half and full marathons, etc). We were living in the same shared accommodation complex overseas at the time, and met through mutual friends.
We struck up a bond, and she suggested we go for a run and then have a coffee afterwards to get to know each other more.
I expected maybe five km with a light walk in the end, but after the 12th km in 32C heat, I couldn’t cope.
“You can stop if you want, I’m going to keep going,” she said, before I went to go vomit in a bush… never saw her again after that.
*Sylvie
I was set up on a blind date at age 22 with a man 11 years my senior. We were on completely different pages - he wanted kids and a white picket fence, and I wanted to drink my bodyweight in tequila.
Our date was a whopping 45 minutes... I don’t think I’ve ever drunk a cocktail so fast in my life, and cringed the entire drive home.
Met my husband a month later.
*Katrina
I was meant to go on a first date with a guy, but he stood me up and did a no-show. I was very disappointed because you would think they would communicate if they changed their mind.
A week later, I woke up and checked my phone and the Herald had published a story about him, his arrest, and the serious criminal charges he was facing. He was likely on house arrest and couldn’t leave the house for our date.
Roman
I try not to meet people for anything more than a coffee, but one woman insisted on having dinner. The entire time was spent listening to her telling me about all of the dates she had had, along with the ones that were coming up.
She was not at all happy when I suggested that we split the bill. I had no desire to be paying for someone’s dinner who was simply on a mission to date every single relatively single man in Auckland.
*Antonia
I went on a second date with a guy and his dog to the dog park. It was the first time I’d been to a dog park, and out of nowhere, a couple of dogs ploughed into my leg. I tumbled to the ground in pain, with my date rushing over, saying it’s probably just a bruise, to which I replied rather abruptly, “I’ve been a professional athlete, this is not a bruise” (so melodramatic!).
He assisted me on the long walk back to my car, and although I was in pain, I convinced him I didn’t need him to drive me home, and I left in a big rush. Turned out I had an almost grade 3 MCL tear and was in a leg brace for 8 weeks. He was actually a nice guy, but I was so embarrassed by my “professional athlete” reaction, I didn’t see him again.
*Amaya
I met with a guy on Tinder in Northland while I was living there briefly, and for our date, he took me to his mate’s house as there was a car meet on. He then left me at a random house to get himself McDonald’s, none for me.
One of the girls was pregnant, and her waters broke - she was not in active labour, so it was all good. I then got passed some “herbs” and had some with these girls at the house.
Then went to the car meet, where my date proceeded to ditch me to see his mates, and I couldn’t find him anywhere. Suddenly, the cops got called, and I’m a bit zooted and scared at this stage. He gets in his car and leaves me in an industrial area of Whangārei, and I hid in a bush. I had to call my manager from work to pick me up, and thankfully, they got me McDonald’s.
I never went on Tinder in Northland again.
*Matilda
I went on a date with a guy who wouldn’t shut up about Bitcoin, and we debated economic policy for an hour.
I ended up marrying him though.
*Names have been changed to protect future dating prospects
Jenni Mortimer is the New Zealand Herald’s chief lifestyle and entertainment reporter. Jenni started at the Herald in 2017 and has previously worked as lifestyle, entertainment and travel editor.
Her new album, Neon Cowgirl, is set for release in July.