An ode to Cristiano Ronaldo went horribly wrong with this Temu order. Photos / Getty Images and NZ Herald
An ode to Cristiano Ronaldo went horribly wrong with this Temu order. Photos / Getty Images and NZ Herald
The interests and phases of a growing child are endless, relentless and expensive for parents attempting to keep up.
As for my now 6-year-old son and me, we’ve gone through the motions of construction vehicles, dinosaurs, Transformers, Godzilla, Marvel and Minecraft – the latter despite the fact he has neverplayed it.
Now, having just turned 6 and signed up for soccer, he’s in his Cristiano Ronaldo stage, aka the so-called “G.O.A.T” of the football world.
At my son’s primary school, they don’t have to wear a uniform, so he and two of his buddies wear Ronaldo’s Portugal kit like it’s mandated, refusing to pop a sweatshirt over “lucky number 7″, despite plummeting winter temperatures.
So, in an attempt to keep my son warm, still rock Ronaldo and not financially buy into another potential fad that breaks the bank - here’s looking at you, Transformers – I scoured the internet for an affordable Ronaldo sweatshirt.
But it turns out the Portugal team kit does not come cheap, with prices climbing over $140 for basic kids’ gear. Reluctantly, I turned to a place I’ve only ever turned once before, Temu.
What I thought I was ordering. Photo / Temu
I knew the risks as I added a basic black “Ronaldo 7″ hoodie to my cart, rolling the cheaply made dice as I ordered from the Chinese e-commerce company.
I factored in potential risks by ordering two sizes up, assuming the worst that could happen would be if it arrived a tad too tight for my strapping young lad.
Five days later, the package arrived, and as I opened the bag, it became clear that while $140 was too much to spend on a hoodie, $15 was not enough.
Its iron-on letters were ironed, but not on. The 7 appeared better suited to a 7-Eleven than the football team, and something seemed to be off with the arms.
What actually arrived. Photo / NZ Herald
One sleeve only came down to the waist of the sweatshirt, and the other seemed to cascade far beyond it.
Armed with a measuring tape, I went to inspect and make sure I wasn’t imagining this catastrophic difference, only to find a whopping 11cm length difference in the arms.
The hoodie appeared to be a lesson in quality control. Photos / NZ Herald
In a lesson in quality control, one arm seemed to have been sewn on from an infant’s sweatshirt, at 23cm, while the other appeared to be a correct size 8, at 34cm.
Naturally, I immediately documented it in all its glory for social media, before contacting Temu customer support, who instantly refunded me.
Not only did I get my $15 back, but it turns out not even Temu wanted this jumper. They practically begged me to keep the worst thing to happen to Ronaldo since his bronze sculpture.
So what does one do with a sweatshirt with two drastically different arm lengths, that’s one wash away from spelling out “RON DO”?
Maybe I donate it to the sculptor Emanuel Santos and let his infamous bust, finally, have a body?
Could this be a match made in football faux pas heaven? Photos / Getty Images and NZ Herald
Or more likely, do I beg my DIY-savvy mother to cut the sleeves off, try and fix the iron-on letters and make it wearable for this brief moment in time?
Ultimately, I plan to wait for my son to lose it at school, look disappointed when he does, hope his next fad is sewing and never Temu again.
Jenni Mortimer is the New Zealand Herald’s chief lifestyle and entertainment reporter. Jenni started at the Herald in 2017 and has previously worked as lifestyle, entertainment and travel editor.
