Going through a divorce is an undeniably stressful time for all involved.
There are assets to divide, moving out, financial challenges, custody arrangements and, of course, the emotional impacts to navigate.
But does the process of a divorce need to be a traumatic one? Not according to Auckland family and divorce lawyer Sharon Chandra, who believes there are ways to divorce well.
Last week, Chandra spoke to the Herald about the biggest mistakes Kiwis make that lead to divorce, and this week, the attorney shares the mistakes couples are making during the divorce process and how to avoid them.
While understandable given the circumstances that have led them there, Chandra says she sees many clients who make decisions based purely on emotion, not logic.
“When you’re looking at how you’re going to divide the assets and the finances, it really is an objectively rational and logical exercise,” she says, noting this is partly why a lawyer can be helpful.
“They’re able to look at it from the outside in and say, ‘this is the way that we see things falling’, so you’ve sort of got someone on your team to say, ‘this is how we’d approach it in a logical way’.”
The Bankside Chambers lawyer says while it’s “completely natural and understandable” that people’s emotions play a part in their decision-making, it’s also something to be wary of when dividing property.
“You don’t want to find yourself in a position where you’re making decisions solely based on your emotions,” she says.
And when it comes to separations involving children, emotions can be higher and things can get more complicated. Chandra stresses the importance of not “diminishing the role of the other parent”.
“When you’re dealing with children, that’s a completely different kettle of fish to the financial property side of things, and that’s where emotions do play an even bigger part.
“Regardless of what they’ve got going on from an adult level with that person in terms of whatever disputes they’re facing, it’s really important to understand that both of those parents have a role in the child’s life. It’s about navigating how those parents can make that work when they’re not living under the same roof,” Chandra says.
Much like any tough time in life, support is crucial when going through divorce proceedings, says Chandra, whether from loved ones or a professional.
“People who have good support around them in terms of friends and family, or even seeing their own counsellor, I think that those are the people who are really able to psychologically manage the process a lot better,” she says, adding that this can be harder if you are the one who has been broken up with.
“Usually, one spouse has already had time to process the prospect of a separation, because they’re the ones who have raised the issue of a divorce, or they’re the ones who are doing the breaking up, if you will.
“If you’re the spouse in the position where it’s possibly hit you out of left field and you’re still taking time to process it, I think that having a good support network or making sure that you’re getting some counselling is going to be really important because otherwise, it’s going to be hard not to make decisions with your emotions.”
In New Zealand, most couples must wait two years before they will be granted a divorce. Chandra says sometimes this time can be a blessing in disguise and enables all parties to take time to process rationally.
“It’s worth putting some time between the separation and getting the ball rolling in terms of the asset division – just giving it a little bit of time so that you’ve got some time to work through it mentally and process everything that’s happened, so that by the time you are ready to kickstart the process, you’re mentally ready to do that.”
While the idea of getting a lawyer involved can feel scary and likely to cause friction between you and an “amicable ex”, Chandra says it’s important to seek legal advice early, even if you do so privately.
“You can still keep things perfectly amicable and still go and get legal advice about where you stand and how to approach things going forward, even if it’s just what I call backroom or backdoor advice. You just go and see someone to try and get an idea of how things are likely to play out. Then you just go ahead and continue talking to and negotiating with the spouse or partner directly.”
Chandra says that way, you are at least armed with the knowledge of how things should be playing out legally.
“I can’t emphasise that enough because knowledge is power,” says Chandra.
She says people may have discussions with their spouse or partner and get quite far down the track, “but all of that could get completely turned on its head by the time each of you goes and sees lawyers”.
She says the most important thing is going in with your eyes wide open.
“You at least know what the process is going to look like, then you can structure your discussions with the spouse or partner in that way.”
Jenni Mortimer is the New Zealand Herald’s chief lifestyle and entertainment reporter. Jenni started at the Herald in 2017 and has previously worked as lifestyle, entertainment and travel editor.