I solemnly swear that I will bear true — get down from there, Rex — I’m sorry, where was I, oh yes, I swear that I will bear true allegiance to — I won’t tell you again. Darling, can you come and get Susie, I’m trying to take the oath of allegiance?
I solemnly swear...yes, I know I promised to fix the grouting on the patio, even though I warned you not to use the power hose on the tiles. But I just want to watch the parade, and maybe the balcony scene, and have some of that coronation quiche.
I solemnly swear that I will bear true allegiance to your majesty and your heirs and successors, but hang on, isn’t Harry one of the heirs? Are we still pledging allegiance to him? Ooh look, there’s Jill Biden.
And I’d like to pledge on behalf of the kids, one of whom is actually working today and the other is probably still asleep. So help me God.
2. Mildly monarchist
I bear true allegiance to the... I don’t know, this all feels a bit silly standing here in front of the TV. I might just work on it a bit. I bear allegiance to your majesty, at least for a while, mainly because we all liked your mum, and you’ve waited a long time and I’m certainly ready to give it a go, even though we didn’t like the way you lost your rag over the inkwell, though Steve says we do have to bear in mind that you were under immense emotional pressure at the time. And it’s four yeses to the heirs, especially William, although we liked him more when he had hair and was much better-looking. Also, I pledge to keep watching until Huw Edwards breaks for lunch, or until I can figure out what the BBC has done with Football Focus. So help me God or whatever. Got any more quiche?
3. Underwhelmed status quo-ers
Look, can we just take all this true allegiance stuff as read because, between you, me and the TV set, I’m not a royalist. I’m just happy with the status quo because, frankly, we’ve got bigger fish to fry, and you don’t do too much harm and are good for tourism. Also, we really don’t need any more constitutional upheaval, and I’ll certainly pledge allegiance to anyone who saves us from an elected president Blair. So help me Vague-manifestation-of-my-deep-sense-of-spiritualism.
4. Workers’ pledge
I’m with a customer now.
5. Dianists
I don’t know I’ve ever really forgiven you for Diana, but I would like to see her son become king one day so I’m definitely fine with true allegiance to the heirs and successors point. But I do wish you’d sort things out with Harry and Meghan because they were a breath of fresh air, and it was terrible making him walk behind the coffin that day. So help me Di.
6. Urbane republicans
Look, OK, if this is what you like, but shouldn’t we really pledge allegiance to building a better future for our kids, a more equal and just society, free from bowing and scraping? It seems to work in Germany. Or can we just clap for the NHS again? Anyone for quiche?
7. Angry republicans
Are you kidding? What is this tosh? I’m not pledging allegiance to a bloated feudal institution out of touch with ordinary people who seem to be its biggest fans, and who’ve never read Chomsky and don’t realise that Jeremy Corbyn actually won the 2017 election. Decolonise the Mall.
So pick a pledge and join in.
Written by: Robert Shrimsley
© Financial Times
