NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / Lifestyle

Jill Goldson: How to make the most of being single

Herald online
18 Jul, 2014 02:30 AM5 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

Jill Goldson shares her advice on how to deal with being single. Photo / Thinkstock

Jill Goldson shares her advice on how to deal with being single. Photo / Thinkstock

Opinion by
I am currently single but whilst I would really like to be in a committed relationship eventually, I also want to enjoy and make the most of being single. I feel a lot of pressure with friends all getting engaged or married and my family are starting to make comments about finding someone.

There is no doubt that pressure and views from others about how we live our lives will impact our feelings and perceptions about ourselves.

Your letter suggests that you are perhaps in your twenties or thirties - the very decade in which women in particular come under the most pressure about their social status.

Mainstream and social media reinforce these images with a high focus on finding partners. Singles are under the glare with endless relationship status updates and Facebook chatter. And our obsession with what is happening to the love lives of celebrities shows no sign of abating.

An upsetting and recent breakup is about working through grief, and is a related but different topic. But regardless of how we got to the position of being single, there is no doubt that the attitudes of family and friends - and of society itself - can make our lives stressful by creating doubt and anxiety.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Even though marriage itself has begun to decline in the western world, attitudes to being alone have changed very little over the past 30 years. There is still a pervasive mind-set that if you don't find a mate - especially by the time you are in your 30's - then there must be something wrong with you. Research from the University of Santa Barbara describes the current phenomenon of "Marimania", a cultural obsession with weddings.

The focus on dresses, bridesmaids, hen nights, stag nights locations, receptions, and themes can add to the feelings of the single person that they are somehow out of step.

Read more:
• How to be alone, not lonely
• The pros and cons of playing matchmaker

You mention wanting to 'make the most of being single' which is a healthy and positive way to celebrate your life. What's more, your balanced attitude puts you in a prime position to contradict the view that being single is about a loss and vulnerability - a view which needs to be changed as soon as possible.

Whether you are female or male, there are many reasons to enjoy a single status and to discard the myth of being a fifth wheel with friends, or a worry to family. The research is clear about the advantages of being single. Singles tend to be fitter, achieve more in their careers, manage money better and have more rest, better sex, more friends and less depression. Of course a balanced perspective allows the fact that the research is positive also about the psychological benefits to the individual of healthy and committed partnerships over the lifespan.

It goes without saying that being in a destructive relationship does not have good outcomes, any more than being lonely as an unwilling single person. Making changes is an option open to anyone who is not coping with their life situation.

Discover more

Opinion

Jill Goldson: What if physical attaction wears off?

03 Apr 11:50 PM
Opinion

Jill Goldson: Post-date protocol

11 Apr 02:00 AM
Opinion

Jill Goldson: Does marriage still matter?

16 May 12:30 AM
Opinion

Jill Goldson: How to be alone, not lonely

13 Jun 03:10 AM

The short answer to your question is that you should continue to make the most of being single and enjoy your "me" time and the opportunities to focus positively on yourself and those you love.

Those in partnerships do not own "belonging". Belonging is fired by our connectedness with one another, so your single relationship status allows you connectedness and belonging in abundance. A valuable aspect of your current single situation is that you are in a prime position to recognise social pressure for what it is, rather than accept it as background noise.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Being single can liberating if you make the most of it. Photo / Thinkstock

We all want to avoid "shame", a universal trait. In our culture this can create a yielding to pressures to conform, in this case to conform to the idea that being different, by being single, is an unenviable state and one to be altered.

Thankfully social change throughout the decades has brought about greater awareness and analysis of social pressure. Much discrimination of past decades around sexuality, class, and race, as well as general assumptions about how to be, has been challenged. But many traditional assumptions are still alive and well, and the messages are in our faces every day.

Understanding that you do not need to be defined by these views is giving you an opportunity to be you and to liberate yourself and to live your life to the full.

This opportunity is one which allows you to shrug off the straitjackets of other people's views, and to understand the nature of conformity and how important it is to keep this coercion at arm's length.

Achieving this will bring about the resilience needed to become everything you can be, regardless of relationship status, and to continue to belong, whilst living life to the full with all your uniqueness and creativity unhampered.

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

As the well-known quote by Baruch puts it: "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter , and those who matter don't mind".

Save

    Share this article

Latest from Lifestyle

Lifestyle

The high-protein food boom: What it means for NZ consumers

03 Jul 10:00 PM
Premium
Lifestyle

The surprising health benefits of magic mushrooms

03 Jul 06:00 PM
Premium
Lifestyle

A loved one was diagnosed with dementia. Now what?

03 Jul 06:00 AM

Sponsored: Get your kids involved in your reno

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from Lifestyle

The high-protein food boom: What it means for NZ consumers

The high-protein food boom: What it means for NZ consumers

03 Jul 10:00 PM

Nutritionist Nikki Hart says protein helps muscles, immune system, and hormone production.

Premium
The surprising health benefits of magic mushrooms

The surprising health benefits of magic mushrooms

03 Jul 06:00 PM
Premium
A loved one was diagnosed with dementia. Now what?

A loved one was diagnosed with dementia. Now what?

03 Jul 06:00 AM
Watch: Smokefreerockquest and Showquest's finals around the motu

Watch: Smokefreerockquest and Showquest's finals around the motu

03 Jul 06:00 AM
Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper
sponsored

Sponsored: Why heat pumps make winter cheaper

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP