Jill Goldson: How technology makes seeing eye-to-eye difficult

'Phubbing' also known as phone snubbing can cause tension in relationships. Photo / iStock

Added to the round up of usual suspects (i.e. relationship difficulties) aired in my counselling practice, compatibility and technology are increasingly cropping up as a major concern for couples.

And it's not just the rather common occurrence of sneaking peeks at each other's phones. We now have a whole host of other issues, with technology's capacity to throw obstacles into couples' paths growing seemingly by the week.

'Phubbing', for example - a term that was actually coined a couple of years ago, to merge "phone" and "snubbing". Cue: "He's always on his phone when I'm trying to talk to him" / "She uses the phone when we're out with friends" / "He pulls out the phone and checks it at dinner".

A team from Baylor University in Texas recently surveyed couples about phubbing and noted that the outcome for all behaviours led to decreased relationship satisfaction. They noted participants with an "anxious attachment style" suffered most intensely.

That's hardly surprising given the evolutionary role of eye contact in brain chemistry. Within hours of birth, eye-to-eye contact creates the fundamental building blocks of social communication and remains our means of engagement, refuge, connection and acceptance - on a daily basis.

We ignore its importance at our peril.

"Look at me when I am talking to you"

Researchers recently found that one quarter of couples text each other from the next room.

Some clients tell me that they feel that sharing passwords and logins to social media feels like a sign of trust and commitment. (Samsung surveyed 2000 British adults in January this year: 40 per cent saying they knew their partner's email password, with a further 25 per cent reporting they knew their partner's social media log-in details.)

Remember too though, that a bit of mystery is alluring, as New York therapist Ian Kerner stresses. Couples who unfriend each other on Facebook, he says, can reignite their relationship. Not only can it add a spark but taking a step forward and deleting their Facebook accounts will also free up time to spend together.

Get real

Of course, technology is here to stay, and anyway - many couples enjoy relating with each other on social media.

It's the mismatch that needs tackling, when one party feels aggrieved by the other's use of screens and social media platforms.

Ultimately, do what feels comfortable, and as always - talk it out with each other if things begin to feel disruptive.

To use a pun - strive to see eye-to-eye on the issue. Talk to your partner about how you feel about screen time. Keep it specific to the situation rather than generalising a lot of discontent. Agree to factor in some screen-free time each day - replacing it with face-to-face contact.

Described by psychiatrist Ros Grumet as the core of interpersonal relationships, eye contact is "lovers' magic". (Frankie Valli of The Four Seasons knew it too, when he crooned in 1967 "You're just too good to be true, can't take my eyes off of you".)

The solution to this particular problem of technology and compatibility is perhaps not so very difficult to find.