So I recently started a new podcast that follows my hot mess of a dating life and I wanted to kick it off by answering one of the biggest dating questions.
One thing I get asked a lot is: "Why are you still single at 36 years old?" So I thought stuff it, I'll get a psychologist in for a chat and we'll figure out the answer together.
You see, I thought I had a rough idea why. I seem to be drawn to unattainable men (sigh, how cliche). I break out in a cold sweat at the thought of signing a year long rental lease, let alone a boyfriend and I have adopted a psycho chihuahua who has proven to be the ultimate cockblocker. "Down Ziggy, DOWN!!"
But it turns out that was just the outer layer. Oh lord.
For a bit of background, my alarm goes off at 4am, five days a week for my job on breakfast radio. We were conducting this chat on a Friday post show and I was a tad tired.
The psychologist asked about my parents' marriage, how I really feel about myself and which guys I was going on dates with, things you never wanna think that deeply before at least a good eight hours of shut eye.
Anyway, what we basically discovered was that I need to start going for guys who I actually have something in common with.
For example, she asked what my perfect date looked like and I responded, "a visit to an art gallery, a glass of wine in a nearby bar and then on to a nice dinner".
She replies, "cool, so who was the last bloke you dated?"
I had a ponder and realised I basically went out with a bloke who would rather eat glass then go on a date like that.
That's the sound of a light bulb going off in my silly brain.
You see, it seems so obvious, but I just wasn't allowing myself to look for a proper "forever person". Someone I could actually see myself falling for.
She then went on about the barriers I put up. Let's just say for the rest of the weekend my brain was like that memory bubble with a whole heap of messy squiggles in it.
Why was I dating blokes I knew I would grow tired of, or vice versa? Why didn't I seem that bummed about it?
Following a weekend of pondering, here's the answer I've come up with … I think it's because at this current moment in my life I just feel really fulfilled. I have a ridiculously loving group of (slightly mad but also switched-on) friends, I have a job I've worked hard for, I like my little cosy home, and the bloke who fits into this ol' life of mine, will have to be pretty darn fab.
But, you see, I don't want to go look for him. I don't feel the tick-tock of a fertility clock and in this modern day, if you want someone to keep your toes warm for a night there's sure to be a male friend willing to help out.
On Sunday I sat in the park with a good book and was enjoying a little 'me time' when I began to zone into the conversations around me.
There was a mum screaming at one of her kids to "come back here NOW", there was a girlfriend screaming at her fella because she told him "to pack the cheese, whyyyy didn't he pack the cheese?!" and then there was the awkward couple sitting on a rug, barely touching on what was very obviously a first date.
I thought to myself, "heck for just this one moment, enjoy sitting by yourself with nowhere to be, and no one to answer to, because once that special fella comes along, you may never have it again".