Oh heartbreak, how I know thee well! I've flown countries to escape you, missed important events because you've floored me, almost flunked out of uni because you decided to arrive at the worst time, and cried in front of strangers because you did me wrong.
It's a ghastly beast and one that doesn't seem to discriminate. One day you are wandering along in happily-ever-after town, and the next you've taken a one-way ticket straight to the fiery pits of hell. All because your special someone just woke up one day and decided they didn't love you anymore.
OK, sure, it's not that simple, but lord if there was a tablet you could take to make it go away, well … let's just say I would buy it in bulk.
I still remember the day I boarded a plane in London and cried the whole way back home to Sydney. Sobbing for 20 hours straight into my hooded jacket. The flight attendants brought me red wine and reassuring arm squeezes because, let's face it, nothing unites women like the story of a good ol' fashioned dumping.
I also remember a time in my early 20s when I tragically cried outside a guy's house, begging for him to take me back, only for his friend to come outside and shoo me off. I know, I still cringe thinking about it. Turns out begging for someone's love just ain't that sexy.
I went back to my parents' house, booted my dad from his own bed and made my mum hold my hand all night while I sobbed into a pillow. She kept saying things like, "It will be OK, it won't hurt so much with time."
Can we all agree that "time" is the most annoying thing about heartbreak. You just gotta wait it out.
What's worse than unrequited love? Unrequited love that was once … well … requited! The flashbacks to happy times, their old toothbrush still sitting in your bathroom, his stupid big jumper you once wore religiously kicked to the bottom of the bed. All lingering mementos of what once was.
We all know the brain takes an absolute battering during a break-up, but have you noticed the toll it takes on your body as well?
I tend to lose my appetite and get pretty darn skinny. I should be chuffed at my new-found beach bod, but all I feel is sad and slightly malnourished.
I also found out a fun fact this week: did you know your heart can actually break … like … medically! "Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy" (try and say that 10 times!) is the medical name for this ghastly condition that can be caused by heartbreak, or more accurately, the stress of a heartbreaking situation.
It is brought on by acute emotional stress, positive or negative, that can cause the left ventricle of the heart to be "stunned" or paralysed, causing heart attack-like symptoms including strong chest, arm or shoulder pains, shortness of breath, dizziness, loss of consciousness, nausea and vomiting.
Well that's just horrifying!
Thankfully it turns out researchers at Monash University have found a cure for that age-old question … how to mend a broken heart (or for the nerds up the back, Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy).
Yep, during a study they discovered that a drug called Suberanilohydroxamic acid, or SAHA, dramatically improved cardiac health and reversed the broken heart, making sure no long-term affects stayed around.
Hey, the bloke has already left us with an empty bed and no date to our stepsister's wedding, at least now we won't have a broken ticker as well.
While the study is still in its early days, it's heartwarming to know that there's some trusty docs out there taking the effects of heartbreak seriously. Now if they could just spend a little more time and effort coming up with a tablet that shuts off those ouchy feelings as well, maybe I could start listening to Adele again*.
* Sobs into tissue and looks sadly out of car window into the pouring rain.