You should never lie in the early days of a new relationship.
Not because it's wrong. But because it could lead to you being woken up at 5am on a weekend to go bush walking.
My apologies – that's a shocking image to paint this early on a Sunday. This story should've come with a trigger warning up top. Order another croissant and breathe deeply.
The early days of a relationship are tough. There's so much pressure to present your best self and you do whatever it takes to lock it down.
You say you love cooking even though the only thing in your fridge is an old bag of spinach that has now disintegrated into liquid (if anyone ever opens your fridge and judges, just say it's your green juice).
"I love kids," you exclaim, even though the closest you come to them is when they're sitting at a nearby table at brunch (and you spend the whole time whispering to yourself about how it's an inappropriate place for kids).
And you pretend like you don't wear the same outfit every day for a week.
But the riskiest thing to lie about is being an outdoorsy person. This one will really come back to bite you.
Why? Because if you're dating an outdoorsy person and you tell them you're also an outdoorsy person, they will eventually expect you to go outdoors.
We're watching this lie play out right now on The Bachelor.
Some chick named Irena is a frontrunner who has suddenly started bragging to Locky that she loves the outdoors and goes bushwalking all the time. Locky is an outdoorsy person to the bone, so he's eating all this up.
But other contestants and some viewers are calling out Irena for not being a genuine outdoorsy person. She's an indoorsy person, they allege.
Indoorsy people get such a bad rap. I'm of the belief the only hiking anyone should do on a weekend is up the escalator at Westfield.
Us indoorsy people have a lot to offer. We usually have the TV guide memorised. We know what restaurants start delivering at different times of the day. And if you've been an indoorsy person since birth, you've developed a unique skill of being able to tell when the final commercial is playing in the ad break and when the TV show is about to recommence.
It's like a supernatural gift.
The point is, if you're lying about being an outdoorsy person like Irena, you're playing with fire. Be prepared to kiss your weekends goodbye and install roof racks on your VW Golf for the kayak you will soon be forced to use.
YOUR LETTERS, PUBLISHED WITHOUT PERMISSION
We're getting both jaded and nostalgic in another round of Your Letters, Published Without Permission.
A few weeks ago we had a column about someone who stole her brother's treasured baby name and used it on her new dog just before the birth.
I mentioned that I wanted to buy a bunch of dogs so I could also steal people's baby names and distribute them around the litter as needed – and that the joy of doing this would far outweigh my hatred for dogs.
Well, saying you hate dogs is something you're not really allowed to do.
One reader, Kate, knows all about this. She said these are the three words a lot of people are too afraid to say: I hate dogs.
"I've never been as publicly shamed as when sharing this same feeling. Dogs are the worst, but dog-owners are their own special breed of bozo," she wrote.
Too right, Kate.
Those of us who hate dogs must stand up and speak our truth. It's an unpopular opinion but sometimes you need to blaze trails alone.
And angry dog owners, don't send angry letters. If you do, they'll be used to line the cat litter box.
The only thing more controversial than hating dogs is hating Love Actually.
That movie is the worst but if you ever say it in public, people look at you like Ellen looks at her staff when they do something wrong.
Other letters came in after last week's column about how life was better in 2007 when Keeping Up With The Kardashians first premiered. They were mainly mourning the demise of the pink Motorola Razr flip phone.
The message is clear: we need a flip phone renaissance.
The iPhone is okay, but nothing quite matches the feeling of fighting with someone on the phone and then violently snapping it shut.
Let's start the revolution.