Is common courtesy dead?

Are old-fashioned good manners missing? Photo / iStock

Common courtesy isn't all that common these days, according to yesterday's Rants & Raves.

Conventional politeness dictates that young people ought to give up their seat on a bus to elderly people, disabled people, pregnant people - or any combination of the above.

"I saw a pregnant lady on the bus offer her seat to an elderly lady. Meanwhile, college teenagers were going about their conversations," wrote Gerald.

Teenagers! Typical! Mind you, it does raise a few questions. Namely, does advanced age trump fecundity? Does disability trump age? Who knows? And, what about a teenager with an invisible disability? It's complicated.

Does the rule about men giving up their seat to a woman still apply? It might be chivalrous but it's also a bit patronising. I'm not sure how I'd feel if a man leapt to his feet so that I could sit. It's considerate but I suspect it's also a bit over the top. The implication that a woman is weaker or less capable is surely a relic from a less enlightened era. Hey, for the record, I'd graciously accept the seat, providing, of course, age or disability was not a factor.

Holding doors open for others is something one would hopefully do regardless of gender. This can be a complicated exercise. One must gauge the proximity of the other person and consider how swiftly they are approaching, before deciding whether to hold the door or let it go. Small verbal gestures such as saying "please" and "thank you" are also top of mind when contemplating courtesy.

Yet, in reality, the possibility of courtesy lies within every single social interaction. Courtesy exists in the thousands of small ways we make other people's lives easier every day. Courtesy is not allowing your dog to invade another person's personal space. Courtesy is not allowing your children to run rampant in public. Courtesy is not blocking the pavement while you gasbag with your friend. Courtesy is telling the sales assistant at a busy bakery that, actually, it's someone else's turn to be served - not yours. Courtesy is not talking on your mobile phone while being served in a shop.

Courtesy is something the woman behind me at the checkout at New World yesterday lacked. I was completing my transaction at the Eftpos terminal. To my immediate left was the trolley that had been loaded with my groceries. Thanks to the customer behind me, I was wedged in. I was feeling trapped, a little claustrophobic. She had pushed her trolley right up to my hip. (I moved my trolley a bit but any further would have started blocking the exit aisle.) I entered my PIN number while contemplating how inconsiderate this person was.

I've been the second customer in line on many occasions and my general rule of thumb is to keep my trolley at least a metre away from the person in front. Even if you don't observe such a distance, surely it's aggressive and rude to actually shunt another person with your trolley. Someone else might have communicated displeasure but I was too courteous to point out her rudeness. Go figure. Courteousness can sometimes be a curse.

So much of courtesy is invisible. It's often about what you don't do rather than what you do. It's about the inconvenience and discomfort you spare others. It's about helping ordinary interactions proceed smoothly and elegantly. Courtesy is subtle, nuanced and refined. Supermarket-trolley woman, in her ignorance, would have no idea that every day dozens of people are making her life easier in ways she can't imagine. And she can't even observe a bit of trolley etiquette. I think that's why we can become so agitated about this subject. Courtesy is so often squandered on those who least deserve it.