Being single in your 60s can bring a freedom around dating, where a partner doesn't need to tick every box and you can choose a "situationship" rather than a serious relationship. Photo / Getty Images
Being single in your 60s can bring a freedom around dating, where a partner doesn't need to tick every box and you can choose a "situationship" rather than a serious relationship. Photo / Getty Images
Some people question our casual relationship, but it has brought me endless joy – and not just in the bedroom.
WARNING: This story deals with sexual content and is suitable for adults only.
I recently posted a short paragraph celebrating our first anniversary on a popular blogging site and it was met with hundreds of congratulatory comments – but a few disapproving remarks too. People were suggesting that my relationship indicated I lacked the capacity to understand true love.
The truth is, I’m 63 and after a marriage, two grown children and a trio of long-term relationships, I’m no longer in search of a full-blown romantic partnership. I simply want someone to share a few laughs and perhaps some weekends with.
I divorced from my husband of 10 years in 2001. We didn’t have sex for the last four years of our marriage and in the years before that, though I could orgasm, the experience was quite predictable and vanilla.
Now, with a busy social and work life, I’m not looking for a man to tick every box; I simply enjoy sex and the pleasure it brings me. The benefits of sex extend far beyond the immediate joy of an orgasm. It’s been shown to improve memory, increase longevity, and release feel-good hormones that can help alleviate menopausal symptoms – not to mention its role in reducing loneliness. This isn’t just about physical intimacy; it’s about enhancing my overall wellbeing.
A situationship refers to a romantic connection between indivuduals without clear labels or commitments. Photo / 123rf
Steve* is a 57-year-old Londoner and has a passion for oral sex that surpasses any partner I’ve had before. He goes above and beyond to please me. My husband never liked oral sex.
As an older woman, reaching orgasm isn’t always straightforward, but with him, I never have to think about it. Whether we’re exploring each other or simply enjoying each other’s presence side by side, he’s quite content to spend a couple of hours in bed. Our encounters always leave me with a big smile on my face. Of all the relationships I’ve ever had, ours is refreshingly drama- and stress-free.
However, it’s not all about sex. When something around my home needs fixing, Steve’s more than happy to come over and sort it out. He’s seen me perform (I’m a jazz and blues singer) and genuinely enjoys my shows, and we share a mutual appreciation for music. He’s a brilliant storyteller, having led an incredibly colourful life, which means I don’t have to play the court jester – a role I’ve often inhabited in my social circles. Being with him feels like a holiday from the pressure to entertain, except in the bedroom. Plus, it’s all incredibly straightforward with the knowledge that what we do when we’re not together is our own business.
I’ve had my fair share of disappointments since my divorce. It’s tough navigating the unpredictable waters of modern later-life dating.
I first met Steve* via a dating site. He had a fuzzy picture but sounded pretty normal in his bio. I didn’t know much about him apart from the fact that he came from east London and had a passion for playing the drums. I was a little nervous about meeting him, but I’d been on quite a few dates, so I was excited to meet him at my local pub for a Sunday roast. Conversation was easy straight away. I found out that he lived with one of his kids, had a few grandchildren, and worked in a trade.
Lots of people my age think that intimacy should wait until after half a dozen dates, but at 63 I’ve been online dating on and off for almost 15 years since my marriage ended. So after a couple of hours, I decided to cut to the chase. Smiling, I suggested we head back to my place. Although I could tell we were both nervous, after our first kiss, I could tell he knew what he was doing.
That was just over a year ago, and we’ve been catching up most Sunday afternoons since, mostly at my place and occasionally at his. My youngest son has met him and they’ve had a couple of polite conversations. I’m honest with my children – they know I’m in a casual relationship. I’m yet to meet his kids or friends, though they know he has a “partner” of sorts. I like to call it my “situationship”, as it doesn’t quite fit into any traditional boxes.
My friends all know about him, but I generally don’t invite him to events (except my gigs) because we are very different and he’s rarely available as he has jobs that often come up at short notice.
People sometimes ask if I get lonely or want more from my relationship with Steve. But having been in previous relationships where men have moved in and the domesticity has killed the sexual desire, I like that we don’t see each other too often. I have a very busy life, juggling multiple jobs and many friends.
What defines our arrangement is the mutual understanding that neither of us wants it to progress further. We’re not “in love”, and there’s no intention of moving in together. While we’re not in each other’s pockets, over the past year, I’ve come to appreciate both his good and bad points enough to recognise why we wouldn’t work as a serious couple.
For instance, I’m a planner, while he tends to be more last-minute. I aspire to live and work wherever I choose, currently spending my winters in Spain, while he has a job that demands his physical presence. My idea of a good time involves dining out, dressing up, and enjoying nights at the theatre, while he leans toward takeaways and fish ‘n’ chips. This contrast keeps our connection light and uncomplicated.
According to the author, choosing a situationship allows her to enjoy companionship, intimacy, and independence. Photo / 123rf
So, while others may question the validity of our relationship, I embrace it wholeheartedly. This is about living life on my own terms and enjoying the freedom that comes with knowing exactly what I want. My father once said to me, “it’s your happiness that matters most – don’t worry about what others think”, and I’m not afraid to pursue it on my terms.
*Names have been changed
Five rules for a successful situationship
1. Clarify your intentions
Decide what you want from your situationship and communicate it clearly from the start.
2. Separate emotions from physicality
Most situationships thrive when both partners can separate emotional feelings from sexual ones. If that’s not possible for you, you may find yourself wanting more than your partner is willing to offer.
3. Live for the now
Like all relationships, especially in later life, situationships can last for months or even years. Enjoy them for what they are.
4. Find the right platforms
While there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to finding a partner open to a situationship, consider starting with sites such as Feeld, or other platforms that cater to alternative lifestyles. I found my current partner on a swinging site, although he’s not an experienced swinger.
5. Overcome age-related stereotypes
You can be any age to enjoy a situationship. If this type of relationship appeals to you, go for it.
