I am struggling with infertility - can I skip my sister-in-law’s baby shower?

Honest conversations and kind boundaries make tricky situations easier. Photo / 123RF

Q: I have struggled to get pregnant for over two years. After multiple rounds of in vitro fertilisation failed, my doctors suggested I consider other options. My sister-in-law also struggled with fertility, and we used to bond over our shared experience. But she got pregnant year and her baby shower is in a few weeks. I am happy for her, but it has also been painful to watch her (and so many of my friends) get pregnant. I don’t want to go to the shower, but my partner thinks that our relationship with his brother and sister-in-law has become distant because of their pregnancy and that my absence from the party will create strain. We used to be close. Should I have an honest conversation with my sister-in-law, fake an illness at the last minute, or put my feelings aside and attend? - Sister-in-law

A: I’m sorry for the pain of your disappointment, and I can certainly see how a baby shower might make you distressed. But while you mention fertility doctors, you don’t say anything about therapists. I would prioritise your grief and mental health over a party. No matter what you decide about this one baby shower, it is important to address your feelings. They will not go away on their own.

You say that you used to be close to your sister-in-law and commiserate over fertility issues. So, she may be a good candidate with whom to discuss your complex feelings: sincere happiness for her that is coupled with sadness for your own situation. But I understand if you are not ready for that conversation yet.

Life is long. And under the circumstances, I do not believe that missing a single baby shower will do irreparable damage to your relationship with your in-laws. But I hope you will commit to addressing your underlying feelings and to discussing them with your sister-in-law soon – for your own good and the good of your relationship with her.

Whether to deal in an old friend

Q: I live in a retirement community and enjoy a weekly game night with a dozen other residents. It’s informal: no score keeping or prizes. There is another player we have known for years who has moved into the assisted-care unit of the facility. She has memory issues and is visually impaired. We feel compassion for her, but it has become difficult — even unpleasant — to play with her: It takes her forever to make decisions, and sometimes she doesn’t even know which card or tile she is holding. Is there a kind way to exclude her? - Player

A: My best friend’s mother was booted from her longtime bridge group because of cognitive issues. It shattered her! Now, that doesn’t mean you are obliged to accommodate your friend with memory and vision problems, but it does argue for exploring alternatives to kicking her out: Is it possible for an aide from the assisted-care unit, for instance, or one of the regular players to help this woman participate more seamlessly? You could take turns. It’s your collective decision, of course, but I would urge you to consider how you would like to be treated in similar circumstances.

But I only meant to break up with your dad!

Q: When I was with my ex-boyfriend for about a year, I developed a rapport with his college-age son. After I initiated an amicable breakup with my ex, I texted the son a few times, and he responded. He hasn’t replied to my last two texts, though. Now, his birthday is approaching, and I am inclined to send him a simple “Happy birthday” text — though I expect it will be met with radio silence. I also suspect that my ex may not be happy about my continued contact with his son. What should I do? - Ex-girlfriend

A: I understand that you mean well, but I would stop texting this young man. A year is a relatively short period, even in the life of a young person, and he has not replied to your last two messages. (It sounds like a circumstantial rapport to me.) Still, he knows how to reach you if he wants to, but it’s possible that he may feel awkward or disloyal about maintaining a friendship with a person who broke up with his father.

Things to consider before putting out the welcome mat

Q: My husband and I are buying a second home in Palm Springs. We’ve never had one before. We intend to host family and friends during the winter months, but it seems to us that we should probably establish ground rules to ensure that no one overstays a welcome, freeloads or alienates other guests. Suggestions? - Homeowner

A: Maintaining a second home, in my experience, is a lot of work – and involves more chores than I had ever imagined. Before you invite anyone to stay, you and your husband should spend some time there alone, figuring out what it takes to keep the place running. (You may have less energy for hosting than you currently think.) Once you know, invite people to stay for specific periods and stick to those dates. If you don’t like how guests behave, don’t invite them back. But sensible adults don’t need lists of good and bad behaviour.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Written by: Philip Galanes

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