How to survive a sexless marriage, according to an expert

How to survive a sexless marriage. Photo / 123rf

If you have any kind of ailment, issue or conundrum, your first port of call is generally to consult the World Wide Web.

From whether or not it's safe to microwave a saucepan (trust us, it's not) to if it's likely to rain this weekend (if you're in Sydney, then the answer is yes), when we don't know something, we're likely to Google it.

And the more we search the internet? The more data the internet learns about us, our lives and what we're thinking about.

In his book, Everybody Lies, a former data scientist at Google, Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, used his skills to learn what was really on our minds – and you guessed it – sex is up there. Well, more predominantly, the lack thereof.

"On Google, a top complaint about a marriage is not having sex," Stephens-Davidowitz writes. According to him, there are 16 times more complaints about a spouse not wanting sex than about a married partner not being willing to talk.

"Searches for 'sexless marriage' are three and a half times more common than 'unhappy marriage' and eight times more common than 'loveless marriage.' Even unmarried couples complain somewhat frequently about not having sex. Google searches for 'sexless relationship' are second only to searches for 'abusive relationship.'"

Grim, right. So how much sex are we having? Well, according to a recent study published in Archives of Sexual Behaviour, married couples under the same roof have sex about 51 times each year, or about once a week. For some though, it's a lot less.

While it's difficult to pinpoint exactly how many married couples aren't getting it on, experts estimate that 15-20% of couples have sex fewer than 10 times a year, which is how they define a sexless marriage, explains sex therapist and Womaniser ambassador, Pamela Supple.

"One of the reasons that people enter into a long term, committed relationship is with the understanding that sex will be a part of it," Supple says. "In the first six to 24 months of a relationship, our hormones are firing and we can't get enough of each other. This is called the Limerence period, but it does die down."

Some of the main reasons we're spending less time between the sheets include putting in long hours at work, social commitments, looking after the kids – and you guessed it – technology.

"Stress isn't a factor spoken about much but I notice it with a lot of people who come to see me. They're time poor these days. People just seem to be just go, go, go the whole time and then zoning out on their phones."

So what can you do if you find yourself getting down less?

"Time management needs to be seriously really taken into account here. You've got to make the time, close the door, get the kids looked after if need be. More time isn't just going to magically just appear."

As well as that, Supple says switching our thinking – from penetrative sex to a menu of sexual interactions – is also key.

"Look at making love a bit like a menu. You have the entree, and then you can pick and choose. Say you've got all these different meals that you can choose from. You can choose and take your time instead of just rushing to the end, which is the orgasm. It's about taking your time and enjoying each meal, which is enjoying the time and the amount of effort that you put into it."

And it doesn't all need to happen tonight, you can split it up.

"A lot of people say to me 'he's got to please me, then I've got to please him and I'm just exhausted thinking about it when all I want to do is go to sleep.' I get that, but sometimes you don't have to pleasure each other on the same night. You can say, 'Look babe, I'm just lying here tonight. Give me an orgasm, and I'll return the favour tomorrow night.'"

Gives a whole new meaning to a dinner date, anyway.