Almost half of marriages – an estimated 40 per cent – end in divorce. Photo / Getty Images
Mariah Carey’s festive tunes are playing and your partner has just poured a generous glass of eggnog. They’ve sat down on the couch beside you and is now whipping out the mistletoe and leaning in for a kiss.
Just kidding ... they’ve sat down to tell you your relationship is over, donezo. You’re so shocked that you feel the egg in your eggnog curdle in your stomach as they reveal that they are now Gandalf, and into their heart, you shall not pass.
But was it you? Was it them? Or was it your pesky calendar that caused you to double down on a bowl of Ben & Jerry’s?
According to a 2008 study by British journalist David McCandless, the most popular day of the year for couples to break up is December 11.
It’s all part of the brutal truth of the festive season. And while it does give you free licence to sing your heart out to the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers classic Christmas Without You, it also sucks.
TWith this in mind, I spoke to Bridgette Jackson, a CDC-certified divorce/separation coach, to find out why the festive season sees so many break ups. I also wanted to know how, if this fate befalls us, to best navigate the circumstances – especially if you have children.
Here’s everything you need to know about holiday break-ups:
While a global study found the most popular day of the year to break up is December 11, Jackson has taken a look at the New Zealand specific trends, which show a slightly different result.
“The most common time for couples in New Zealand to break up is late January to early February, after the holiday period,” she says, further explaining: “Couples generally shelve unresolved issues leading into and during the silly season and then start to work on their relationship and themselves after the New Year.”
However, there is some good news, and while there are no specific statistics on couples who are separating, there are divorce statistics. Jackson has noted that recent years have seen a decline in the amount of divorces occurring in New Zealand, with 2022 seeing 7593 Kiwi couples granted divorces.
On average that is 7.4 divorces per every 1000 people, which is down from 9.9 per cent in 2012. In 2021, Statistics NZ also noted divorces were down to the lowest number since 1979. However, she says while slightly more positive than years before, statistics are telling us 40 per cent of marriages end in divorce and numbers are expected to rise.
“We do think the number of divorces will increase over the next few years as delays from courts are worked through and those who have tried to stay together, for different reasons, will now find it too difficult.”
According to Jackson, the most common reason for couples to break-up is due to a lack of communication.
Stating that communication is “critical to any relationship”, especially regarding important topics such as finances and money, commitment issues, infidelity, parenting styles and more, Jackson says: “If a couple cannot talk in a way they both understand, all that is left is an unproductive argument and growing resentment.”
Jackson also says it’s important couples don’t become contemptuous, as it is one of the most “corrosive behaviours” and can destroy a relationship within its first six years.
Contemptuous behaviours are an attack on a person’s self-esteem and can include name-calling, sarcasm, disrespect or insensitive joking. The key solution to these kinds of behaviours according to Jackson is for one partner to express their feelings and desires to the other.
Another reason for break-ups over the summer season is the current economic state of the world.
“The cost of living has impacted bank loans, mortgages, investments, people’s jobs and owner-operated businesses, which is having a huge impact on couples.”
Jackson explains the crisis can see many couples become detached as they navigate the stress which has “brought to the fore any issues that people have had in their relationships over the past few years”.
If you and your partner have decided to separate before Christmas or during the summer season and you share a child or children, an already difficult situation can feel even harder to navigate. Jackson suggests couples prioritise one thing: their child/children.
“The couple need to agree to set their differences aside for the sake of the children, and mutually agree to put their child/children as the top priority,” she says, adding: “Agreeing to focus on them and prioritising time with them is the opportunity to still create special memories.”
Another important thing former couples should do for the benefit of their child/children is to never put their child in a position where they feel as though they need to take sides or defend their other parent. This means no disparaging your ex-partner in front of your children, using them as pawns in a game. Jackson also notes to not use your child as moral support.
Jackson says it’s also important for individuals to maintain certain post-separation etiquette as well. This can include acknowledging your emotions and accepting there can be difficult emotions during this time, being polite to your ex-partner and their family as well as looking after yourself through exercise, sleep and eating well.
While it can sometimes be easier said than done during this time, Jackson suggests focusing on what and who you have in your life not on what you do not have.
The Christmas and New Year season is traditionally one of friends and family, a time when love and happiness feel as though they should be abundant. Jackson says, regardless of the time of year, most people have a sense of failure and guilt when a marriage or de facto relationship ends. Whether it was a mutual decision or one person taken by surprise, when a separation occurs during the festive season, a person may tell themselves it “is not appropriate or ‘the done thing’ for this time of year”.
“We are a social species by nature and as a pack we naturally follow the path of societal traditions and guidelines. When someone is faced with separation or divorce at this time of year, it makes sense that the intense emotions would include shame, remorse and a sense of failure and guilt.”
Jackson advises that the person who initiates the end of the relationship can help navigate negative emotions by “thinking about and admitting their feelings, particularly guilt, they will be able to comprehend/understand the causes of those feelings”. she continues to say if a person can pinpoint the precise reason for their negative feelings, it may be easier to understand their decision to end the relationship: “Is it a safety concern, a relationship deal-breaker, or a decision based on one of their beliefs?”
Ultimately, Jackson says the feelings of regret and guilt will eventually fade. “The proverb ‘this too shall pass’ is something that people should hold onto when feelings of guilt or other negative emotions arise.”
Her final piece of advice for those navigating break-ups during the holiday season is to prioritise themselves, “making plans to engage in activities that bring them joy, such as spending time with close friends, exercising or engaging in a passion project, can serve as a healthy diversion and lead to feelings of empowerment and calm”.
Bridgette Jackson is a CDC-certified divorce/separation coach with a post graduate dispute resolution qualification. She is also a trained divorce mediator (AIMNZ), relationship coach (Institute for Life Coach Training) and an enrolled barrister and solicitor of the High Court of New Zealand.
Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating, great Taylor Swift ticket wars and TV shows you simply cannot miss out on.
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