"Get your girls out."
Such comments might be expected from Hugh Heffner, but could take you by surprise when uttered from your local lactation consultant. While both persons may earn an enviable living dealing with big breasts and cute babes, that's where the allusions with playboys end, and the thrills and spills of feeding babies begin.
Lactation consultants assist in meeting a baby's feeding needs. Nursing an infant might sound like a natural physical process, but could be said to have the same degree of difficulty as reversing a trailer around a blind corner. Something blokes might be better at, if only they were given the chance.
That's why many women rely on lactation consultants to learn proper nursing techniques and implement their milk supply.
My baby and I first encountered a lactation consultant not long after her birth in hospital. While the posters in the ward proclaimed that: "Breast is natural", we were armed with apparatuses like nipple shields and express milking machinery, as though preparing for war.
Upon being discharged, we were referred to a public health lactation consultant for assistance on latching techniques.
At the first home visit, our lactation consultant assured me that she wasn't the commander of the "Breastfeeding Brigade". In the next breath, she said: "Let me warn you about the dangers of formula milk." And so she proceeded. The infant can miss out on essential nutrients carried through the milk, as well as the mother's immunity to certain diseases.
Even the World Health Organisation goes straight for the jug-ular, claiming that asthma and allergies are linked to formula milk.
"But what if you really are lacking in milk?" I asked.
"Do you top up with formula or just let the baby go hungry?"
"Well," she sounded resigned. "Two of my children were bottle fed, and they turned out all right".
In a world of law-breaking cops and mechanics with dodgy cars, it made sense that a few lactation consultants may never have mastered the art of nursing.
However, the consultant more than mastered consulting. Under her careful guidance, my baby learned how to latch properly, and played a good sport in either "rugby" pose or cross hold. There was no spitting of the proverbial dummy, and I didn't get anything in a tangle.
However, my baby's ongoing feeding problems and lack of weight gain persisted. She was spending a disproportionate amount of time trying to suckle. After some investigation, the consultant diagnosed her with a tongue tie.
Feeding a tongue tied baby can result in a mother's battle scars and pain that outweigh the beautiful bonding experience.
Breastfeeding may be the most nutritious and convenient option for feeding a young baby but it could be argued that breast isn't always best - such as when it's pink.
The time comes when one must choose whether to continue nursing or not, and surgery was a final option if we were to continue our nursing endeavours.
After three weeks tongue tied battle games, the lactation consultant referred us for baby's "snip" of her tongue and lip tie to be conducted by a specialist dentist.
On the day of surgery, our lactation consultant equipped my baby with aviator goggles and strapped her into a snug sleep suit. Laser surgery freed her tongue and lip ties within five minutes. There were only a few tears spilled, and barely any from baby herself.
In our case, baby's feeding progressed well after the snip. Less time spent suckling meant less expended energy and longer sleeps. Best of all, she was blessed with an excellent immune system and healthy weight gains, as promised by promotional posters of cherubic children nursing.
There may be many ways to feed a baby, but our lactation consultant proved it possible to nurse regardless of latching problems and a tongue tie set on shutting up shop.
So if your lactation consultant comes knocking, don't knock her when she tells you to "get out your knockers".
She might just be doing her job.
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