An orgasm is a body and brain phenomenon where tension and arousal that have built through sexual stimulation reach a peak and then dissipate. Photo / Getty Images
The rewards of climaxing are plentiful – from calming your mood to boosting productivity.
From mind-blowing tidal surges to the Earth moving, clichés abound when it comes to orgasms. But we’re not all in the throes of ecstasy. According to digital health platform Hims & Hers’ 2023 report, more than a quarter of men struggle to orgasm during penetrative sex; while 15% of women have never had one.
So if you’re lucky enough to be having orgasms regularly, how can you make yours better? And, most importantly, what can you do if you’re not quite getting there? Read on for our complete guide.
An orgasm is a body and brain phenomenon where tension and arousal that have built through sexual stimulation reach a peak and then dissipate, explains Dr Angela Wright, a GP working in the UK’s National Health Service (NHS), clinical sexologist (yes, it exists and it refers to the clinical and scientific study of sex and sexual behaviour) and co-founder of Spiced Pear Health.
“After orgasm or multiple orgasms, the body returns to its baseline unaroused state,” Wright said.
Courtney Boyer, a relationship and sexual therapist, outlines the four stages of the sexual response cycle below:
In the early 2010s, Barry Komisaruk, a sex researcher at Rutgers University, New Jersey, carried out brain imaging scans on men and women pleasuring themselves to orgasm via their genitals. It found that the brains of both genders tended to show similar activity.
The hotspot that lit up most was the nucleus accumbens, a brain region that deals in pleasure and reward through the release of the neurotransmitter dopamine. (Besides sex, it’s also activated by cocaine, chocolate, caffeine, nicotine and amphetamines.)
But there were key differences that emerged after orgasm and these can partly explain why we react so differently after climax. Komisaruk’s scans found evidence that specific areas of the male brain become unresponsive to stimulation of the genitals after orgasm whereas women’s brains remain responsive.
“During resolution in males, these brain imaging scans have shown the part of the brain that’s lit up with orgasm goes completely offline and can’t receive more stimulation, making it nigh impossible to have another orgasm,” Komisaruk said.
“But in women, that doesn’t happen,” he said. “[Women] will still [be] able to receive more stimulation and can ride those waves to either elongate the orgasm or allow for more to come.” So the idea of a multiple orgasm is indeed real – but only if you’re female.
When it comes to build-up, the Hims & Hers research found that half of the UK (including 55% of men and 47% of women) needed more than 10 minutes to reach orgasm, with the average Briton taking 14.3 minutes to hit peak arousal.
But how long does the orgasm last? Men’s orgasms last an average of 10-30 seconds and women’s around 10 seconds to one minute, says Boyer.
During orgasm, your body undergoes a series of contractions in and around the genitals. “There’s a build-up of muscular tension that comes from genital and body stimulation, followed by a discharge of involuntary contractions of pelvic floor muscles around the vagina, uterus, anus and the penis, resulting in an incredibly pleasurable release of various neurochemicals,” adds psychosexual therapist Kate Moyle, the author of The Science of Sex.
“MRI scans have revealed a huge surge of activity in a part of the brain called the genital sensory cortex connected to the vagina, cervix, clitoris and nipples in women and the penis and anus in men,” Moyle said. “That could explain in part perhaps why there’s such intensity and so much brain activity going on during orgasm.”
As a result, your brain is releasing a cocktail of neurochemicals and hormones in the build-up to orgasm and after. “This includes dopamine, the chemical that plays a big part in pleasure-seeking and addiction, as well as oxytocin, the bonding hormone,” Wright said.
During the orgasm, pain-relieving opioids give us the feeling of ecstatic pleasure along with the feel-good neurotransmitter, serotonin, which acts as a reward for the pleasure of sex, she said.
“What’s fascinating is that the opioids sensitise our dopamine and oxytocin receptors, making them more responsive to the trigger to the last orgasm; the person (or thing) that gave us the pleasure,” Wright said.
In theory, at least, that means the more sex you have with your partner, the more you will desire them.
All this activity must be good for your health, surely? Yes it is, and here are the benefits:
1. You’ll feel calmer
Research by sex toy manufacturer Lelo found that some 17% of Britons were still enjoying the calming benefits of their orgasm up to 24 hours later, and just under half were more productive when having regular orgasms.
2. You’ll live longer
There is even some suggestion that they might make you live longer. A study of more than 900 men aged 45-59 from Caerphilly, South Wales, found that mortality risk was 50% lower in the group with high orgasmic frequency than in the group with low orgasmic frequency.
“The Caerphilly study suggests that 100 orgasms a year can extend life expectancy for up to seven years,” Wright said. “Blood pressure is lower after an orgasm, endorphins released help with pain [this includes period pain] and sleep is often improved. Many people use orgasm to regulate their mood and stress because of the calming chemicals it releases,” she said.
3. You’ll improve your overall health
Added to this, it really can be a case of “use it or lose it”. “We know that pelvic floor muscles and the health of our genitals and the erectile tissues in the clitoris and penis are improved by blood flowing into these tissues on a regular basis, as they do during orgasm,” Wright said.
“People describe orgasms as a build-up and release of tension; a ‘party in the brain’,” Moyle said. “There tends to be a period of relaxation and sleepiness afterwards where people report feeling a sense of satisfaction and release.”
In a clinical paper from Eastern Kentucky State University comparing the reported sensations of orgasms between the sexes, men gave higher ratings to “shooting” sensations while women gave more emphasis to “rhythmic” sensations, specifically “throbbing” and “spasms”, spreading to other areas of the body.
Most of us know – or do we? The Hims & Hers research found that a staggering 87% of Britons would like to change at least one thing about their sex lives, including 21% who wanted better orgasms.
Turns out, it’s not like fixing a boiler and there’s no sure-fire method that works for everyone. Plus, focusing too much on orgasm can make it impossible. “It’s important that having an orgasm doesn’t become the only goal of sexual activity,” Wright said. “This can lead to performance anxiety and make it even more difficult to achieve orgasm.”
From a mechanical perspective, sexologists have categorised orgasms into types. For example, those that are caused by stimulation to the clitoris, to the vagina or both (called a blended orgasm), as well as those caused by penile stimulation or prostate play.
The prostate is often called the male G-spot or “P-spot” and can be pleasurable to the touch. This can be done externally through touching the perineum (the area between the anus and the scrotum) or internally through the anus.
Stimulating the female G-spot may also help bring about orgasm, especially if clitoral stimulation is done at the same time, Moyle said. “Most people think the clitoris is just the little tip that pokes out at the top of the vagina, but it’s in fact like an iceberg that continues under the skin, to the area known as the female G-spot, what we call the clitoral complex,” she said.
For the uninitiated, the female G-spot is typically located on the upper wall of the vagina about 1-2 inches below the belly button.
What else helps? “There are also erogenous zones in your neck, the backs of your ears and knees and the insides of your elbows, so for many people, having these stimulated can help bring about orgasm,” Boyer said.
Some males use a practice called “edging” to make their orgasms last longer, explains Moyle. “This involves reaching the brink of orgasm and then deliberately stopping or delaying stimulation – allowing for increasing arousal and building anticipation.”
You can also use vibrators to help enhance your orgasm.
If you’re among one of the 15% of women who have never had an orgasm, you’re not alone. Why not try:
1. Going solo
“Orgasm can for many people be easier solo, especially if you’re struggling to orgasm with partnered sex,” Wright said. “It’s a little bit like two musicians playing separate instruments and trying to harmonise. Timing can be an issue, expectation, self-confidence and being able to ask for and receive the kind of touch you like best.
“In long-term relationships, we know that women in particular often fake orgasm for a whole number of reasons – to boost partner self esteem, to signal an end to sex, to feel ‘normal’ ... the list goes on,” Wright said.
2. Be curious about your ‘erotic palette’
“Learning what you need to orgasm is not so much about everyone following the same instructions for touch or everyone having the same fantasies, but more about curiosity about your own ‘erotic palette’,” Wright said.
Your “erotic palette” includes the sights, sounds, thoughts, fantasies, types of touch and smells that turn you on.
3. Sex toys
Sex toys can be a great way to explore what you like without the pressure of pleasing a partner, Moyle said. “Ultimately, choosing the right one depends on your preference and the type of sensation you like. Experiment.”
Washington Post: The mindset should be - less fuss, more fun with company.