Emily Writes: What happened when I watched Tarzan

This may be the only good review of The Legend of Tarzan you'll read.

NZ Herald parenting columnist Emily Writes typed up a tipsy review on her phone on Friday night and woke up to find it had exploded online.

"I read it in the morning and thought, 'how embarrassing'. Then I logged into Twitter and it was just full of excited mums. I feel quite proud of how it has brought together so many people - a global movement of thirst," she said.

It is now the top review on Google for The Legend of Tarzan and one of few positive ones.

Does Emily's review entice you to see the film?

I saw Tarzan and this is my review after some wines

So I had wine and I am very tired and so I am a bit tipsy but I saw the Tarzan movie so I thought I'd give my honest review.

Excuse typos because you know, wines.

Ok so I don't know what the plot is or who is in it other than Alexander Skarsgard and Alexander Skarsgard's magnificent holy abs. I don't know what the dialogue or acting is like or whatever.

But like a third of the way in Alexander Skarsgard is going to fight a gorilla for some reason and he takes off his shirt and OMG LIKE I ACTUALLY GROANED LOUDLY.

He does not put his shirt back on for the whole movie.

And like The V. Sweet Mother Mary the V, I am telling you. The V is worth $15. The V is worth so much I wanted to see the movie again straight afterward.

Did I say that he doesn't put his shirt back on?

Emily Writes couldn't tell you what the movie is about. Except for this. Photo / Supplied

This is why I can't tell you what the movie is about. Samuel L. Jackson is at one point talking about something really important and it's just white noise because Alexander Skarsgard has the best body that ever existed.

Some stuff happens I don't know. But the important thing to know is that he doesn't put his shirt back on and he's really wearing those pants.

And his eyes. He has such puppy dog eyes. If I was with Alexander Skarsgard I would be like, "What's wrong, Alexander Skarsgard?" Because he always looks so sad. And then he would say, "Nothing because you're my wife".

There are many close ups of his sad eyes.

There is one sex scene that stops before anything properly happens which made me so angry I intend to write to the director to give him a piece of my mind.

I am furious.

But also very grateful. For this wonderful movie. That gave us Alexander Skarsgard. He is a gift to the world. And I bet he is so nice.

And he is SO TALL.

Like this movie really shows his tallness.

So, in short, definite Oscar-worthy movie with just like amazing arms and imagine if your job was to put the dirt and blood on his arms? Imagine if that was your job. To just touch
Alexander Skarsgard all day.

And he would flirt with you but not be gross. He would just be a total gentleman and maybe you'd drop your make up brush and you'd both reach down and get it and he'd look at you with his sad eyes and you would be dead.

That would be it.

You would actually die.

But it would be worth it.

Read more of (the less safe for work) parts of the review on Emily's site.