Eight Legged Freaks

By GRAHAM REID

(Herald rating: * * )

There's nothing wrong with the fact you can write the plot of this disappointing school-holiday flick on the back of a small envelope, you wouldn't have to scribble too small to do the same with The Wizard of Oz. And that this plot is so familiar shouldn't count against it either.

The story is this (and don't stop me if you've heard it before, that's the point): a small, isolated town is invaded by (fill in the gap ... aliens/giant ants/giant rats/flying piranhas/body snatchers/killer tomatoes ... )

In this case it's a small, bankrupt town in Arizona with the customary cast of slightly eccentric misfits, an unnaturally beautiful sheriff (Wuhrer), her teen-angst daughter (Johansson) and nerdy arachnophile son Mike (Terra).

Seems one of Mike's friends has been breeding exotic spiders, the mayor has been paid off to store toxic waste in the abandoned mines which, Waihi-like, form a network beneath the houses and malls. The spiders get loose and head down the mine ...

You can guess the rest. It's Invasion of the Body Wrappers as the giant mutant spiders start by killing local pets to feed their queen, then graduate to the locals, some of whom they wrap in webbing as a kind of doggie bag for later.

So far, so very familiar. So when you see a snippet of the '54 giant ant horror flick Them! on Mike's television, and when someone screams "They're here!" late in the day, you are being deliberately reminded of all the other B-grade horrors which have trodden a similar path.

But that's the problem: New Zealand director Elkayem (a fan of the genre) could have used this hoary plot to produce a witty, or even belly-laugh, over-the-top parody. But backed by A-grade production values from the team behind Independence Day and Godzilla this is a movie which takes itself too seriously and never even approaches the broad parody that it could have been.

Because the plot is worn threadbare by its many previous owners, this needed to be a whole lot more scary than it is. Sure there's the occasional "Look out behind you" moment but mostly you know when it's coming and where it's all going.

Once the spiders really start their zombie/gremlins/giant ant mayhem there are a few sight gags, a couple of locals get their "Aw shucks" comeuppance (although oddly enough not the evil mayor), and there is splatter and gore to satisfy that end of the Starship Troopers equation.

But the love plot between Sheriff Sam Parker and mining engineer Chris McCormick (Arquette) who has returned to his father's workings after 10 years is a clumsy add-on, as is the part of weird conspiracy theorist and radio DJ Harlan Griffith (Doug E. Doug of the Cool Runnings bobsled team).

This has the feel of a genre film that tried hard to break the mould - our sheriff is a hard-working single mum who hasn't had time for her own life, yawn - but ended up being neither original (because it could never be, wearing such borrowed clothes) or a camp parody because there are too few laughs at its own cliches.

A mild holiday diversion for early teens but one which anyone with a brain engaged would be wise to avoid.

Cast: David Arquette, Kari Wuhrer, Scarlett Johansson, Scott Terra

Director: Ellory Elkayem

Rating: M (violence, horror)

Running time: 90m

Screening: Village, Hoyts, Berkeley cinemas