OPINION:
There is something just a bit strange going on right now in the weird, not-so-wide, world of royaldom. No, I don’t mean anything to do with irate Kings and their petulant sons and TV deals and a bevy of petty whinges about lipgloss and dog bowls and a chronic hug deficit. Oh no.
The Spares want nothing to do with each other, at least optics-wise.
On one hand we have Prince Harry, the Duke of Sussex who, according to the Daily Mail, “resents being lumped together” with his uncle Prince Andrew Duke of York “in the public mind as the two problem Princes”.
Meanwhile, Andrew, the most tainted and toxic royal since German nobility started paling around with that chap Adolf, doesn’t want to move into Harry’s UK home, Frogmore Cottage.
But like it or not both blokes are now united by something else, namely some very bad news about wills. In a blow for grasping, perpetually-seemingly-in-the-red Andrew, it was reported over the weekend that the late Queen had left her entire $1.2 billion fortune to her eldest son and proud new crown owner King Charles.
And in a blow for Harry, the reason why very likely means he will be left out of his father Charles’ will. See, The Sun has revealed that Andrew is “bewildered” after not having been left a single penny by his former number one fan, Queen Elizabeth.
A friend of his has said that the royal had “checked” if his mumsy had scribbled down a will on the back of a Dick Francis novel (nope) and now the UK’s most useless former trade ambassador is “in despair” at not having been left a brass razoo.
Now, personally, I find the news Andrew is facing dire straits and a life of Instant Noodles and regrets, deeply satisfying.
This is a man who saw fit to jet off for a jolly holiday with a registered sex offender; spent an hour on the tele making out he was a huge victim of Jeffrey Epstein and not once mentioned the untold women abused by the paedophile; and then later, finding himself on the wrong end of US civil sex abuse lawsuit, decided to tar and feather a former teen sex trafficking victim. What a chap!
However while I could (Note to ed: PLEASE) write a novel-length story about the Duke of York’s failings and why an assignment manning the UK’s most remote lighthouse is only fitting place for him, the reason we should care about Andrew’s bad money news is because of what it tells us about what Harry could face down the track.
The thing to understand here is why Queen Elizabeth did what she did with her fortune.
Not, sadly, because she was peeved at her second son for being an abjectly gross human or because Charles had gotten into her good graces by keeping her in a ready supply of Quality Street and copies of Heat magazine - but because of tax.
Rewind to the early 90s, when the Queen was stuck in her annus horribilis phase, with her childrens’ marriages disintegrating faster than a slice of cream cake dropped in the bath.
In the wake of the hullabaloo over who would pay for repairs after the Windsor Castle fire, she decided it was time for the royal family to do one thing they had resisted for nearly 2000 years, i.e., pay tax.
So, Her Majesty and then Prime Minister John Major took a break from marvelling at the wonders of fax technology and the advent of Ace of Base and came to an arrangement that would see her and heir Charles, then the Prince of Wales, give the government a cut of their very large incomes.
However, the wily grandmother managed to negotiate a number of unique tax arrangements only applicable to the monarch, including that money that passed directly from one sovereign to another would not be slugged with 40 per cent inheritance tax.
And that, obviously, has huge possible implications for one Prince Harry, whose brother Prince William could therefore very well inherit everything from Charles.
This inheritance situation only exacerbates further the already canyon-sized gap that exists between William and Harry when it comes to moolah.
When “Willy” became the Prince of Wales last year, he inherited the 14th century motto “Ich dien” (“I serve”) from Edward, the Black Prince, along with the Duchy of Cornwall, which last time anyone checked, was valued at about $2.3 billion.
And Harry? He got precisely nothing on his father’s ascension to the throne, aside from, I’m guessing, a growing ulcer and deep desire to go out and kick a hedge a bit.
Look no further than the title of Harry’s recent memoir - Spare - for proof of the monster chip on his shoulder about his place in the pecking order and the treatment he received as regal understudy.
However, we are talking about the royal family here, an outfit that is not and has never been normal or equal or fair. From a teeny tiny HRH’s first breath inside a plush suite at the Lindo Wing, while hundreds of photographers scoff Yorkie bars in the street outside and wait to get the shot, unjustness is part and parcel of their existence.
What other family in the world ranks their children in terms of importance and then puts that information on the internet? If you or I did that, we’d probably end up facing child services.
I’m not suggesting that being born second or third would not at times be galling or hurtful or frustrating but let’s keep things in perspective: The grace-and-favour homes, the set-your-own-hours job working year for the family business and the ability to take the world’s most valuable stamp collection into kindy for show-and-tell really do mitigate things a scotch.
The irony in this inheritance situation is that Harry is in much more need of funds, given that he and his wife Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex, having fled the palace coop, have recently become intimately acquainted with property taxes, interest rates rises and the ever-increasing price of matcha.
Sure, they’ve racked up a series of huge content deals that are reportedly worth, combined, somewhere around the $200 million mark but there has never been any indication of how much of that has ended up in their bank accounts. Netflix, for example, is highly unlikely to have just paid out the whole $161 million their agreement is reportedly worth, but they would be paid per project.
Which is to say, the Sussexes’ could do with a few hundred million coming their way in the decades to come in a way that the Waleses never, ever will.
(In December last year, the Sun reported that, prior to the Queen’s death, Charles had stopped taking his son’s calls, telling his mother the reason was, “Because I am not a bank.”)
Money has long been something of a sore point for Harry with him having famously complained to Oprah Winfrey in 2021 “my family literally cut me off.” (Wonder which lucky aide got to explain to him that when you quit a job, they don’t just keep paying you?)
This reminder that William is set for uber wealth and Harry is set to have to work, work, work could not come at a worse moment for everyone involved, from the King and Queen Camilla down to their Jack Russells. (Names Beth and Bluebell in case you are wondering.)
Relations between London and Montecito right now are, based on numerous reports, at what sounds like an all-time low with William. Earlier this year, a friend of his told the Daily Beast: “It’s impossible to exaggerate the extent of [William’s] contempt for Harry and Meghan now. He absolutely hates them.”
With the Sussexes currently weighing up whether they will attend Charles’ coronation in less than two months, the last thing anyone needs is for something to spark some sort of flare-up of Harry’s fraternal resentment; anything to exacerbate his bitterness over his brother’s lifelong preferential treatment.
Still, there is some good news for the Sussexes and their bank manager - they might still get something. That same Sun report that revealed Charles’ windfall has claimed that Queen in fact had made “very generous” provisions for her three other non-kingly adult children “during her life”. So, might the King do something similar for his second son?
There’s another possible bright spot for Harry and Meghan, courtesy of Uncle Andy. Charles is reportedly refusing to foot his brother’s yogi’s $62,000 bill, meaning there is a live-in Indian guru who might be looking for a new royal patron or two soon. A Sussex in-house healer? Sounds like just the ticket, right about now.
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