Dame Valerie Adams on learning to accept help: ‘It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of strength’

Dame Valerie Adams opened up to podcast host Scotty Stevenson about her mental health journey so far.

Kiwis pride themselves on their resilience, but how do we cope when the going gets tough? In new podcast series The Upside, Scotty Stevenson sits down with well-known New Zealanders across six episodes as they share their own personal journeys with their mental health and their tips for getting back on the up.

Four-time Olympic medallist Dame Valerie Adams is one of New Zealand’s biggest names in athletics - and among her many achievements, she counts her children Kimoana and Kepaleli as her biggest blessings.

“I wake up every day and do what I do for my kids,” she tells The Upside host Scotty Stevenson.

Adams retired in 2022 after an impressive career, and reveals that she became even more driven to succeed after becoming a mother.

“My mother lost her life when she was 39 years old,” she shares. “I want to keep living, I want to keep doing what I do... [I’m] now the example for my own children and I want to be able to live for them.”

For Adams, retiring didn’t mean she stopped training - it simply gave her a new focus. “People ask me if I miss competing - I absolutely don’t, I don’t miss competing,” she tells Stevenson. “If I want to rest, I rest. If I want to train, I train. And it’s more for my mental health than anything else.

“I need to train for my mental health and this is how I fill my cup. If I’ve got to do it at 10.30 at night, I do it at 10.30 at night.”

Throughout her career, Adams has faced multiple challenges, which she’s now grateful for. “The curveballs that were thrown at me at such a young age really built my character, built who I am, a lot of resilience,” she tells Stevenson.

Those curveballs included having to field negative comments about her appearance, she reveals. “It was like, ‘you’re big, you’re a giant, you’re tall’, this, that and the other - so it wasn’t very nice. And I dealt with it at a school level and I had to deal with it at the start of my career.”

She credits the sport of shot put with building her confidence. “I became more and more open to be able to engage with people. My experience talking to the media changed, because all of a sudden I had the words and the language to fend off some of the obnoxious questions that they would pose at you, especially when performances didn’t go well.”

While Adams is known for her strength, she admits that at one time of her life, she found herself struggling to accept help with her mental health.

Dame Valerie Adams says her approach to staying fit has changed since retiring.

“I think it took me getting really ill, being run to the ground, absolutely just mentally in a bit of a hole, to acknowledge that I’m actually not as strong as I think I am at this very point in time,” she recalls.

“Mentally and emotionally, I was down in the dumps. And I had people who were wanting to help, but accepting help was very tough.”

Acknowledging that she needed help made everything “a little bit easier”. “And then I realised it’s not a sign of weakness. It’s actually a sign of strength. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but one I need to and I have a couple of times. And it gets easier too.”

It’s a skill she hopes to pass on to her children, who are both facing challenges of their own. Her daughter Kimoana has been diagnosed with autism, while son Kepaleli has type 1 diabetes.

She says of her daughter: “I know a lot of people in my community don’t want their children to be diagnosed [with autism] because they don’t want the label... for me, it’s about making sure we get the help that Kimoana needs to be the best version of herself.

“I embarked on that journey when she was very, very young, ‘cause I just saw some things that just weren’t quite adding up. And I did my research and I went to town on it, because if I know and I get the information, then I can help her.

“She is extraordinary. And if you understand that and you understand her, you’ll have a better relationship with her.”

Dame Valerie Adams with her children Kepaleli and Kimoana after announcing her retirement from shot put. Photo / Brett Phibbs

It’s been nearly four years since Kepaleli’s diagnosis and Adams says that as his mum, no two days are the same.

Now, she wants her son to know that his illness doesn’t “define his future or who he is”, admitting the stigma around diabetes was tough to deal with initially.

“But it is what it is and knowledge is power and once you’re able to share your story on platforms - for example, social media etcetera - you have an opportunity to educate people.

“My child is wonderful.

“He gives me a good run for my money,” she jokes, revealing that he’s set to start school next term. “Another challenge, because again we’re going to be having to monitor diabetes at a primary school level, but the school’s been fantastic, so we’ll see how that goes.”

For Adams, life is “all about the kids” - and she wants other single mums to know that they can do it.

“You can be an amazing mum, but also work and have a life and fill your cup in ways that you need to be able to be the best version of yourself for you, but also for your babies.

“It does take a village to make this happen and everybody that’s a part of my village understands the assignment. I’m really grateful for the amazing friends and family that I do have around me.”

All six episodes of The Upside are available on iHeart Radio now