Cockroaches walk all over Chanel

By MICHELE HEWITSON

Strange things happen in the Outback. We know this already. There are wild things out there. Crocs and cockroaches. Possibly dingos. And now there is Outback Jack (TV2, tonight, 8.30).

This is a reality show in which 12 chicks are dropped, by parachute, into a place with crocs and cockroaches in pursuit of a bloke called Jack, who appears to be a fair dinkum Aussie. He probably is. This is reality TV. We can tell this because the chicks are wearing evening frocks and high heels and trundling those suitcases on wheels which are just the ticket in the Outback.

"I hate the Outback," complains one lady loser, "they should burn it down and build a mall." And they should turn all those crocs into nice handbags.

The Outback is a dangerous place. There is no makeup here. Natalie wails that the only place she's ever done without makeup is when she's having a facial.

In the Outback, to win the affections of Jack, you have to stand out. Shannon should do well. She definitely has a sense of style. People think she's either "a porn star or a model", she boasts.

These American girls definitely have the pioneering spirit. At least some do.

One - I think she was a blonde, there are so many it's hard to tell them apart - wasn't scared of dying jumping out of a plane. She was scared that the jumping might mess up her face.

Charitably, one might say that jumping out of the plane messed up their minds, if they had minds to begin with.

Perhaps it's just as well they're all morons. That way they'll never realise that being told "good girl" by Jack is just a little demeaning.

Jack is a tough guy. He can kill crocs, "but when it comes to eliminating girls" ...

Reality telly is unforgiving: girls must be eliminated.

Nature is unforgiving. "When I came out of the plane, the worst thing that happened was boogers came out of my nose," says one contestant.

She's wrong.

This is not the worst thing that happened on Outback Jack.

The worst thing that happened was that a cockroach ran across one girl's Chanel handbag. I'm waiting for Paris Hilton to turn up.

Actually, perhaps the worst thing that happened in last week's first episode was this line: "My boobs are getting eaten alive."

Ha, ha. But much worse is undoubtedly to come. I am looking forward to the night they sit around the campfire with Jack, watching a movie about a dingo eating a baby.

This may never happen. "Where's the outlet?" asks one babe in satin. "To plug in our electronics?"

There is no outlet. None at all. In the Outback no one can hear you scream.

The Outback is a scary place and it's about to get far, far more frightening.

A bit like reality telly, actually.