Will gifting your partner an adult toy at Christmas offend or excite? Kiwi sex therapist Sofie Louise has advice for those wanting to know if this is the right gift for their relationship. Photo / Getty Images
Will gifting your partner an adult toy at Christmas offend or excite? Kiwi sex therapist Sofie Louise has advice for those wanting to know if this is the right gift for their relationship. Photo / Getty Images
A risky move or a fun way to spice up Christmas? Kiwi sex therapist Sofie Louise has top tips for getting it right.
WARNING: This story deals with sexual content and is suitable for adults only.
The pressure’s on to find your partner the perfect Christmasgift that somehow encapsulates exactly how much you care about them. But what if instead of trying to say “I love you,” your gift said “I want you”?
Sex toys can be controversial. Some men feel inadequate and threatened by a vibrator getting switched on mid-sex. Similarly, there are many women who feel intimidated by toys and would much rather that sex only involved people, not electronics.
So should you give an adult toy as a Christmas gift in the hopes your partner will open the box, light up with excitement, and pull you into the bedroom for some of the most adventurous sex you’ve had in months? Or will they interpret this present as a sign you’re dissatisfied with your sex life and spend Christmas Day feeling offended that they’re being replaced by a piece of silicon?
In my opinion, sex toys are some of the coolest inventions out there. They’re designed specifically to bring us pleasure (and sometimes pain), often in ways the human body could never replicate alone. And, without embedding capitalism too firmly into your bedroom adventures, they really can be a great way to incorporate novelty and playfulness into a sex life that maybe, if you’re being honest, has started to feel a bit same-same.
But how do you know whether your partner will receive a raunchy gift excitedly or uncomfortably? And how can you boost your chances of it being a hit?
Sex toy gifting 101
The ‘who’...
If your significant other already has two drawers full of nipple clamps, ball gags and massive dildos, you can pretty safely assume they’ll be stoked to add another toy to their collection. But for the other 99% of the population, it’s not that clear-cut. Thankfully, there are some clues you can use to determine whether you should give this gift a go.
Do they already own a sex toy? Have they responded well to suggestions to try new things in the bedroom before, like different positions or even roleplay? Are they comfortable-ish talking about sex? Have they mentioned, even in passing, an interest in trying a new toy they’ve seen somewhere?
These would all be promising signs that you should go ahead with this gift.
If you answered “no” to any or all of these questions, that doesn’t necessarily mean your partner won’t want one (unless they’ve explicitly said that before). However, you may need to move the following conversation at a slower pace to give them time to decide whether this is something they’re comfortable trying.
Open communication about desires is linked to higher relationship satisfaction. Photo / Getty Images
The ‘when’...
Unsurprisingly, Christmas morning, while the kids and grandparents are sitting around the tree, is not the best time for your partner to open a box with a black silicone penis inside.
Make sure you give this gift at a time when you have privacy, as well as time to chat about any hesitations (and excitements) that come up.
The ‘how’...
I wouldn’t recommend giving your partner a sex toy. Instead, when the moment is right, gift them a sex toy shopping trip.
Sex toys are very personal items and everyone has different things they like. Some people like them big, some small, others kinky, and still others want to keep them as vanilla as possible.
By shopping for the gift together, whether online or in-store, you can make sure you get something you’re both comfortable with and excited to use.
Besides, the experience of purchasing the toy can be a particularly sexy experience you get to share. You can chat about the things you’ve always wanted to try, learn about each other’s fantasies, and get excited thinking of all the things you can experience together.
Gifting a sensory kit like feathers or blindfolds is a great beginner-friendly option. Photo / 123RF
When you offer your partner this shopping trip, you want to do this in a way that reduces the likelihood of them feeling like they’re not performing well enough in bed and are being replaced. Tell them exactly how fulfilled you are by the sex you’re having, and express that this is an opportunity to explore whether even more pleasure could be added to those intimate moments.
As with anything sexual, it’s important to give your lover the opportunity to turn down this present. You could offer to buy them something else entirely, or you could tweak the shopping trip to something more beginner-friendly, like a kit of sense-activating tools like feathers, blindfolds and fancy chocolate to explore together.
Wishing you happy gift giving and a very steamy Christmas!
Sofie Louise is an Auckland-based trained sex and libido coach who is passionate about supporting women in reclaiming their sexuality.
