Our daughter just turned five and she received a couple of presents that have left me feeling a bit out of touch and very, very confused.
On the morning of her birthday, my Mum, who had travelled up from Nelson to help celebrate, gave her this:
At first glance, we have cute little kitty that requires three AAA batteries.
Cute. It probably meows or something.
But, upon further inspection, it appears you feed it little kitty biscuits, which it sh**s out.
Yeah. Someone actually created a little toy cat that sh**s and now it's being marketed and sold in shops.
And there's a demand for it.
And my Mum just bought it for my daughter.
If that doesn't make you question your place in the world, I don't know what will.
We got some batteries and fed the cat its kitty biscuits - which are also its sh**, which it eats again.
You put a stick-like leash into the cat's collar and when you press down on the cat its wee back legs bend into squatting position - lovely - and out pops its food-sh** as it purrs and meows.
And if that wasn't enough, it also makes fart noises as it drops one out.
So, as the kids perch on the new stools I bought so they could sit at the bench while I'm in the kitchen, this cat is there too, sharting on to my bench as I prepare dinner.
I don't know if anyone else is seeing some mixed messages here, but my discipline strategy does not extend so far as toilet training a toy cat and making it do its plastic poos outside. So I decide to just try to ignore the farting, defecating cat on my bench top and my kids finding it the most awesome thing they have seen in their tiny little lives.
Then my girl pipes up and says: "It had seven poos and now we only have five."
So now I have to go around my house, perhaps even though the vacuum cleaner, looking for tiny brown turds because two have gone missing?
When did my life turn this corner? I'M SO CONFUSED!
Some toys just leave you with more questions than answers. And you're just never going to know how or why.
Take Shopkins. What even are they? One friend described them as "grocery items with faces." Am I missing something? Do they do anything? Should I be happy with my girl desperately asking me if she can have some food with faces?
Apparently some children like to watch Youtube clips of other kids just opening Shopkins. I don't want to pull the old "kids these days" line but... W.T.ACTUAL.F?
Another friend expressed her confusion after her girl was given one. That at least made me feel better about not understanding.
They attempted to play but as she grew increasingly baffled, she found there was an app to download.
Great, the missing link, she thought.
So, she tried to download the app but her phone was too full.
And so, the mystery remains. Sometimes it's just better that way.
New York Times: What experts say about snooze buttons, sunlight and sleeping in.