Beck Vass: Ten injuries your children will cause you

As you lie on the couch to try and catch up on sleep, expect a knock to the head by your excited toddler. Photo / Getty

As if they don't cause enough suffering as you bring them in to this world, your children are probably going to cause you some pain as they grow up too.

Aside from the emotional anguish, I've suffered plenty of knocks and bumps at the hands of my two little treasures.

I may be too late for some of you, but for others, here is a list of some of the injuries you can expect your children to inflict on you.

1. Facial bruising

These are often the result of walking in to a doorway because you are half asleep and/or didn't get enough sleep.

*Please note: You will probably injure your baby this way, and for the same reasons, as you carry them and accidentally hit their head as you misjudge a doorway.

2. Indecent assault

Whether it's a pinched nipple as you shower with them, a tiny finger up the bum as you lean over to pull the plug after a shared bath, or a small foot to the testicles (or braless boobs), your private parts are going to be injured in some way by tiny hands, feet and/or teeth.

My advice? Cover up. And whatever you do, do not yelp about it. Or you can expect more of the same for a VERY long time.

3. Dropping a toy or book on your feet

These can be very painful injuries, even when the toy is small. I recently had a torch dropped on my toe. Do not be fooled, the light weight of a little plastic object is no indicator of the pain it is capable of inflicting if it hits the right spot.

4. Lego injuries

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These need no explanation because everyone knows the %*$#*#* sharp edges of this *$#@!** product really #*%*@** hurt when you stand on it.

5. Marylou doll injuries

She looks harmless. She is not. Your baby loves to chew on Marylou's arms and legs. And to hurl Marylou at your teeth. Or your eye. Or head. It doesn't matter where Marylou hits you, it's going to hurt badly regardless.

6. Scratches

These are commonplace. Expect them on your face, arms, legs - babies and toddlers don't discriminate.

These injuries can occur when your baby is as young as a week old, especially with your first child when you don't think to cut their fingernails until after you've been slashed. It may have been your boob, or, even more painfully, a nipple.

Later, these injuries will be deliberately inflicted by a toddler in the grip of a demonic tantrum because you wouldn't let them play with a knife.

7. Bites

See "scratches". Often inflicted for the same reasons, target areas tend to be the arms or wrists as you put your child in any car seat or stroller they don't want to go in. Expect bites daily or even multiple times a day.

8. Head butts

See 6 and 7. When all other means of attack have been restrained, the head can be a valuable weapon to a child. Sometimes used in a forward movement as in the aforementioned car seat scenario or - much more dangerously - in reverse. For example, while sitting on your lap as you read them a book when they wanted to watch TV.

Expect black eyes.

9. Hard books to the head

As you lie on the couch (because you only had 45 minutes of broken sleep the night before) your excited toddler runs at you with a book made of concrete given to them by your mother-in-law. Boom. Concrete book straight to the eyebrow.

This is the kind of injury where you see stars, feel like vomiting and feel for blood. Your eye swells and the bruise takes many days for the full blackness to emerge from deep in the centre of your damaged brain.

10. Having your foot stood on by a gumboot-wearing child

The victim, carrying out some menial household task, is barefoot and caught completely unawares because their child does not even own gumboots.

This one is reminiscent of a childhood Chinese burn, but to the super-sensitive skin on the top of the foot. Expect to teach your child some swear words.