Intergenerational differences in parenting approaches can create tension because many parents today are reacting to how they were raised, sometimes overcorrecting in the process. Illustration / Marta Monteiro, The New York Times
Intergenerational differences in parenting approaches can create tension because many parents today are reacting to how they were raised, sometimes overcorrecting in the process. Illustration / Marta Monteiro, The New York Times
Her mother’s lack of discipline is turning the 10-year-old into a brat, and I’m worried about her future.
Q: My stepdaughter has been a single mother for about five years. She’s 45 and I recognise that it’s tough raising a 10-year-old girl while holding a full-time job androutinely jousting with an uncooperative ex-husband. I try my hardest to take everything into account.
At issue is my stepdaughter’s unwavering adherence to this “gentle parenting” concept of child-rearing that’s currently in fashion.
In my opinion, the child is developing into a brat who knows her mother will rarely issue meaningful discipline. Instead, her mother “reasons” with her daughter until the next time the daughter’s actions merit more “reasoning”.
I warn my wife that today’s 10-year-old brat is tomorrow’s teenager prone to dangerous impulses. My wife agrees, but has yet to seriously address the issue with her daughter, despite my repeated attempts to get her to act.
Meanwhile, my stepdaughter and her child live nearby and at every visit I feel like I am walking on eggshells. Inevitably, the child will be told something she resents – usually by me – and the predictable hunched shoulders, fisted hands, and the all-too-familiar scowl will ensue as she stomps off and pouts, followed by her mother “reasoning” with her about “Grandpa’s misstep”.
I’m unable to do more than watch and simply await the arrival of a full-blown out-of-control situation. Can you help?
From the therapist: You’re watching events unfold that seem deeply misaligned with your own values and experience, and that’s making you feel that the only way to set things right is to change how your stepdaughter raises her child. It’s important to remember, though, that underlying your frustration is your genuine desire for this young girl’s wellbeing. Let this sense of care guide how you handle this.
Intergenerational differences in parenting approaches can create tension because many parents today are reacting to how they were raised, sometimes over-correcting in the process. If that’s the case with your stepdaughter, you might look for the nuggets in her actions that you’re aligned on, instead of tossing her entire approach aside.
Here’s a metaphor to consider: children get lost in an ocean, stunted in a fishbowl, and flourish in an aquarium. What does this mean?
Let’s say a child is waiting in line at the ice cream truck at the park and, before it’s her turn, the treat she’s been dreaming about all day is sold out. A parent’s typical response indicates their child-rearing style.
The fishbowl approach: “Stop pouting! If you pout, you won’t get any ice cream and we’re leaving the park!” This authoritarian style of parenting might get “results” in the short term: The child obeys, but generally out of fear, and not because they’re “learning a lesson”. This leaves the child feeling dismissed and shamed for having a normal feeling of disappointment. These children might also struggle to develop the skills needed to self-regulate and make good choices, because they’ve relied on others to manage their behaviour.
Grandparents often play a key role in shaping a child’s long-term behaviour. Photo / 123RF
The ocean approach: “Oh no, this is soooo hard! Can you tell me what you’re feeling? You’re mad and sad? Let’s talk about your mad and sad feelings!” Sometimes parents who grew up in a fishbowl environment try to create a more open, flexible household for their children – but then they take it too far. Every interaction is thoroughly discussed, and leaning too much into these feelings often deprives the child of moving through them in a productive way.
The aquarium approach: “That’s a bummer, I know you love that flavour – maybe next time we can get in line earlier. Let’s pick something else – what else looks good?” The aquarium approach takes the leadership of the fishbowl approach and combines it with the respect and compassion of the ocean approach. This combination helps children feel both confident and safe.
Kids need empathy alongside parental limits, and what you’re responding to with your stepdaughter is that this balance seems out of whack. By your account, your stepdaughter doesn’t allow for her daughter’s discomfort, which she needs to experience to develop resilience and a sense of competence in the world. Maybe this is because of the way that your stepdaughter was parented, and she’s either trying to emulate or move away from that.
Sometimes, too, single parents fear being the “bad guy” when they are navigating divorce or compensating for the pain from a divorce by “protecting” the child with extra tenderness. Or maybe your stepdaughter feels that adopting her own parenting style is one of the few ways she can maintain a sense of control while dealing with an unco-operative ex.
In families that have more adults in the house, kids benefit from seeing different ways of handling situations, and while you don’t live with your granddaughter, you are one of those adults in her life. You can adopt an aquarium approach, allowing her to express her emotions without your contempt (she’s not a “brat,” she’s struggling with emotional regulation) while also setting clear expectations and offering brief explanations for your decisions. (You can’t eat the cookies now because we’re about to have dinner, but you can have them after.) If your granddaughter pouts in response, you don’t need to react – you could redirect her by inviting her to play a game with you instead, and still be warm but non-reactive if she rejects this and continues pouting.
The more comfortable your granddaughter feels being with you, the more time you might get with her without her mother present. (As a single mum, your stepdaughter might enjoy the downtime!) You may be surprised by how a child can adapt to different expectations in different environments when those expectations are delivered with warmth and consistency.
You can also work on strengthening your relationship with your stepdaughter by not bringing up your differences. When she feels seen and valued by you, she may even become interested in the kind of parenting you’re modelling instead of what she likely perceives now as intrusive criticism. But even if she doesn’t adjust her tendency to over-explain, her daughter’s witnessing of a friendly and non-combative relationship between you two will likely make this girl more inclined to trust you and be more receptive to your approach. And when you feel that surge of frustration from watching your stepdaughter parent, pause to ask yourself what beliefs or experiences might be informing your response. This self-awareness can help you engage more constructively with both your stepdaughter and granddaughter.
In the end, you can’t control how your stepdaughter raises her daughter, but you can control how you show up in the family dynamic. You might need to adjust your expectations and recognise that your influence will be greatest if you can position yourself as an ally, rather than as a critic.
