Dear Nic and Verity: Covid means I'm spending more time at home, and all my partner wants to do is have sex. Me, not so much. Any tips for navigating this without hurting his feelings? Louise
Dear Louise
It is wise to be careful about hurting feelings. Talking about sex can feel fraught with danger due to the vulnerable nature of our sexuality and how easily it raises our insecurities. So often in these discussions about differences in our sexual desire, someone ends up feeling either under tremendous pressure, blamed, or 'the problem' or otherwise not cared for, undesired, and unwanted. Our vulnerability about sex is why so many couples avoid talking about it, and when they do, it so often ends up with an upset or unproductive argument.
Frequently, people see differences of any kind as a threat and go on the defensive. Two people having different responses to change or new circumstance is pretty unremarkable, absolutely inevitable over time; the trick is to learn that neither of you has to be wrong or bad for your differing responses.
Talking about sex and other challenging topics is something that you can get better at with practice. One of the tricks is to not take what your partner says so personally. Start from the assumption that what your partner is saying about sex is about them, even if they are complaining about you. "You're never into it anymore" is a clumsy way of saying, "I would like more sex". Sadly many of us take what is going on for our partners around sex as a personal reflection on us, turning a refusal into "You don't find me attractive" or an ill-timed request into "You just want sex, you don't care about me."
To prevent this kind of misunderstanding, be upfront with your partner about your positive intentions and, especially, what you DO want before you talk about what you don't want or like. Be clear that you find them sexually attractive and that you wish to continue having a good sex life because you enjoy and value the sex life you have together.
Having been clear you do want a good sex life, you can move on to talk about how, under Covid, you notice you have different responses to this unusual and stressful situation. Ideally, your partner will hear a calm invitation to talk about differences in a very particular case rather than a worrying conversation about you generally not wanting or desiring sex.
It is common for us to see couples with a sex life going along fine abruptly get thrown off course when something changes. It can be all kinds of things; they become parents, money troubles kick in, one develops a health condition, and so on. Whatever the external cause, they go through a stressful period, and each person in the couple has a different kind of response.
Under stress, some people stop wanting to talk so much; they withdraw and hunker down a little, while others want to talk everything through in great and, sometimes, repetitious detail. Some seek out a lot of touch to feel close for comfort or as a distraction; others may not feel like affectionate or sexual touch at all, preferring to withdraw into themselves for comfort. None of these responses is wrong. The goal as a couple is to acknowledge and explore your different responses and preferences for connection under various conditions and navigate your way through them.
In your case, it becomes a conversation about working out how to negotiate your different levels of desire for sexual contact at this very particular time. Before you push for what you want, a good rule is to show interest in how it is for your partner. Why does he want a lot of sex at this time? If he feels listened to and like his wants are respected (not the same as agreeing to them), it is more likely he will be able to tolerate hearing why you don't want a lot of sex under these conditions.
Exploring your differences like this is an exercise in emotional intimacy, in getting to know each other better. Staying calm and being respectfully curious about how you are wired differently around sex and connection can turn a disagreement into a place of caring and love. Going slow and learning, in a non-judgemental way, how each of you operates is a great skill to develop to navigate ALL the differences that inevitably exist between any two people, no matter how much you both love each other.
The key to these kinds of vulnerable conversations is establishing an atmosphere where you both feel loved and wanted, understood and respected. A positive "we can do this", "we can work this out together"- type attitude will build an atmosphere that allows you to operate with a sense of "team" as you resolve your differences.
The resolution will depend on what you discovered as you explored what was going on for you. Does your partner want sex for closeness to help with the fear of Covid? Could they settle their anxiety in some other ways? If they are bored, might they seek other activities to fill in the time rather than reaching for sex so often? Maybe you can both stretch a little to find a common middle ground that fits for you both, with neither of you feeling that you have seriously compromised yourself?
You have framed the question implying nothing has changed in your desire for sex. Is that accurate? Has the anxiety and stress of Covid had no effect on your sexuality? Think if it would help you to ask your partner for more close talking time if this is a bridge to you wanting sex?
It works best if you each work on your own end of things about how you might be able to shift a little closer to where the other person is about sex at this time. Sometimes after understanding each other's differences in a steady way, a different, creative solution can emerge from you both caring about navigating this new situation well together. These kinds of differences are fraught, but also fertile with possibilities for intimacy and learning.
Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for over 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.