Ask the experts: Throuples advice - I’d like to tell my friends and family but my partner insists we keep it secret

There are various degrees of being "out" when it comes to polyamorous relationships. Photo / Getty Images

Opinion

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My partner and I have been together for years but recently decided to invite a third person into our relationship. We’re all consenting adults, throuples are becoming more and more common and polyamory isn’t exactly a new phenomenon - but my partner insists we keep our arrangement a secret from the world. I’d like to be open about our lifestyle with family and friends and worry that keeping it secret will drive our third party away. But I also don’t want to lose my long-term partner either. How can we navigate this to keep everyone happy? - Sam

Dear Sam,

We are concerned that you are feeling so torn between the desires of your partners. It sounds like you don’t have a clear process for dealing with differences in your throuple. To work well, every committed relationship, regardless of the number of people involved, must develop a method of resolving conflicts that feels fair and equitable for all concerned. We can’t really tell you “how” to resolve this particular issue because the three of you will need to evolve a method that works for you. We would suggest that developing this kind of process be your primary focus, with the issue of whether and how much you “come out” as polyamorous being an excellent topic to practise on.

One of the strengths of the polyamory community is that, in general, there is a much greater acceptance of the need for exploration and explicit negotiation of power and responsibility. Most monogamous people could benefit from doing more of this. It’s not clear what your arrangement is. By using the word “throuple”, you imply it’s a relationship with no hierarchy relating to whose desires or concerns are regarded as being of primary importance. However, other things you say suggest that’s not how things are working.

Is an equalitarian triad the type of relationship you have negotiated with your new partner? Or is it an explicitly hierarchical relationship where you and your long-term partner are the primary relationship, and your new partner is in a secondary role to each of you? It’s vital that you are all clear about the terms of engagement. It’s noticeable that you don’t mention what your new partner would prefer. Are you and your long-term partner ready to relinquish decision-making control to a throuple process? Or are you unconsciously hanging on to the vestiges of your old dyad-driven process?

If you are working toward a non-hierarchical throuple arrangement, then any significant decision is best navigated by all three people resolving it together. In the months and years ahead, there will be many more such issues for the three of you to navigate. So best to get started practising the skills involved now. Even if you are operating a primary/secondary relationship, it is essential that your new partner is consulted. The issue of coming out vs privacy will likely have significant implications for them, and they deserve a say in what happens.

A key to relationship success is being committed to making the best possible decision for everyone involved rather than each person presenting their case and arguing why their preferred approach should be adopted or is “best” or “right”. This process will take time. It’s a cliche, but extra “relationship admin” is involved in doing polyamorous relationships well.

If it’s not already on the table, the first step would be for the two of you to alert your partner to this issue and suggest that you all talk about it together. It is important that each of you talk about your thoughts and preferences about keeping your lifestyle private or being open with family and friends. We strongly advise that you do this as spaciously, respectfully and curiously as possible.

If things get adversarial or tense, stop and give it a rest. Go away and try to work out why you are distressed or threatened. Then come back and talk about your concerns explicitly, rather than letting them colour the manner and tone of your speaking. The process of arriving at an answer to this question will be far more creative if people are positive and relaxed. Have an attitude of: “We can do this; we will keep going till we arrive at a decision that we can all support”.

In Chapter One of her book Polyamory, our colleague Martha Kauppi details the many and varied ways of making “good enough” decisions that all involved can be on board with and, notably, with no one’s integrity having been compromised. The key to this kind of outcome is for everyone to slow down and act as securely as possible and explore with care and curiosity the views and concerns of all involved.

It may also be wise for you to research the experiences of others in polyamorous relationships regarding coming out. Talk to friends in the polyamory community, in person or online. Do some reading - much has been written about “Coming out or not” regarding Polyamory. It’s not a simple binary decision. There are degrees of being “out” (from only to close friends who “get it”, to going on national TV). It’s a serious question that requires careful consideration by all involved before making a decision.

An excellent chapter on coming out in the classic book Opening Up, by Tristan Taormino, offers a list of questions for all people involved to consider when deciding if, when and to whom to come out about your new relationship arrangement. Here are some examples:

How might the people you love react to the announcement?

How would you feel if you were judged negatively or rejected by family members, friends, neighbours and co-workers?

What kind of job do you have? Would being “out” put your job in jeopardy?

Do you have children? What do you foresee as the social impact on them?

Are there co-parents outside the throuple? Could coming out create potential custody issues?

Do you have a support system in case your coming out goes badly?

As you can see, there is a lot for you three to explore. As this relatively complex decision-making is frequent in polyamorous relationships, this seems like the first trial run for the three of you to see if you can work to the higher purpose of choosing a path that fits well enough for you all. If you are struggling with this task, then seeking the assistance of a relationship therapist skilled in working with polyamory may be money and time well spent so that you can develop the skills to support an approach that is going to work well for you all.

• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.