Do you have to stay in an expired friendship? Photo / Getty Images
Do you have any sex or relationship issues you’d like help with? Send your questions to our experts at questions@nzherald.co.nz
I fear one of my oldest friends has turned into a user. She invited me to visit for a few days and when I got there I discovered she was going into hospital for surgery and expected me to care for her husband. He shouted at me about the dinners I made, insisted I take him to visit the hospital every day and refused to offer petrol money. I left the day my friend came home – and she hasn’t even said thank you. We were great friends once but she just uses me now and I’ve played along for nostalgic reasons. Do I have to be saddled with an expired friendship? - Carla
Hi Carla,
No one has to remain saddled with an expired friendship. Of course, you can move on if you want to. Sometimes friendships run their course as one or both of you grow in different directions. However, given that this friend is one of your oldest and has been a “great friend” in the past, it might be worth checking whether this is the best call.
You comment a lot about your friend and her husband’s unpleasant and thoughtless behaviour. We notice little commentary about your own behaviour, particularly your lack of action. Robust relationships rely on both parties doing their part in handling tricky situations well. It sounds like you were pretty passive throughout this unfortunate chain of events. To our minds, there were many times that asserting yourself and risking “rocking the boat” may have been appropriate and helpful.
When we speak up about how things are for us or tell someone something isn’t okay for us (i.e. set a boundary), we learn a lot about them from how they respond. It is also making us visible to others and treating ourselves as valuable. It signals to our friends that we expect them to treat us as important and to understand and care about how things are for us. It lets them know it’s unacceptable to take us for granted or behave badly towards us. Playing along has meant that your friend and her husband did not get clear messages that their behaviour was not okay for you.
When you first discovered that your friend was going into hospital and expected you to care for her husband, it could have been helpful for you to speak up and say that this was not what you expected and inquired why she had not let you know or ask you about this beforehand. Depending on your friend’s answer, you could have added that in future, you would prefer her to ask you in advance rather than put you in this awkward position.
Similarly, we notice your lack of assertion when your friend’s husband shouted at you and pushed for you to take him to the hospital daily. We can appreciate that setting a boundary with someone being aggressive is difficult. You might have been left dealing with more of his anger. Sometimes there are no easy choices. But there is a difference between the productive discomfort of asserting your boundaries and the unproductive discomfort of feeling pushed around and resentful.
When you are put on the spot, as you were by your friend, it can be hard to think what to say in the moment. However, after she came home from hospital, there was time for you to consider what you wanted to say.
By not asserting yourself, you fail to send your friend (and her husband) a clear message about how you expect to be treated in a relationship. This is your responsibility, your end of the relationship “deal”. Even the best of friends will sometimes make mistakes and behave uncaringly or inconsiderately. From your tone, we imagine that this incident is not the first time this has happened with your friend. One way to honour that and fulfil your part in upholding the relationship is to tell your friend what has been going on from your point of view and that it is not okay for you. Before you give up on the friendship, give her a chance to repair your relationship.
We suggest you speak with your old friend frankly but gently about how her behaviour has affected you. To try and avoid her feeling attacked, set the scene by telling her that you want to stay friends with her. Stress that in raising this problem, you hope to clear the air so you can return to feeling like “great friends”. Then outline how the events unfolded from your point of view and why they were not okay for you. Keep this brief and to the point.
Make sure you give her a chance to respond and listen carefully. Perhaps there are understandable reasons why she has behaved that way. Explanations that would cast a different light on things and change your opinion that this is an expired friendship you need to move on from.
It sounds like she has ill health and a rather difficult marriage (if not an abusive one). If she wasn’t behaving inconsiderately like this before, could it be that your friend is going through a terrible patch in her life? It may be that she needs you now more than ever. It would be sad to remove your support from an old friend just when she needs it most.
So we suggest you sit with her and raise your concerns firmly but kindly. Try and be “curious, not furious”. Give her the benefit of the doubt and inquire how she “really” is at the moment. Speak in such a way that she can express if she is genuinely not okay. Be open to the possibility that there are reasons why she is not behaving as she usually would towards you.
If you want some help with being more active in relationships, asserting yourself and setting good boundaries, we recommend the book A Woman in Your Own Right by Anne Dickson. There are also many good books and podcasts about setting boundaries that might be helpful. Being highly avoidant of conflict seriously hinders you from developing robust, enduring relationships and can have many underlying causes. So seeking professional assistance with this is also an option.
Of course, if you talk with your friend and the response is not good (e.g. self-centred and defensive), or if it seems that she has developed more of a permanent “taking” attitude to her relationship with you, it may be time to say goodbye.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
Telegraph: Is a transactional relationship ever OK? It's complicated, says Rachel Johnson.