John says his wife now earns far more than him - and she's 'spending wildly on lavish treats for herself'. Photo / 123RF
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For 20 years I've been the main breadwinner in our house, but my wife is now in a high-flying, very well-paid corporate job. I am genuinely happy for her (and for our financial future, she's earning far more than me) but she's now spending wildly on lavish treats for herself. She says it's her money and she's working hard for it. Except I've borne all the money pressures for two decades, including bankrolling her previous business, and we should be using the money to be responsible and reduce the mortgage. Finances have always been a thorny subject in the past and now when I try to raise the issue I get aggressively shut down. What should I do? - John
Dear John,
You give the impression that you two have never operated as a team around money, and there is a history of unresolved disagreements over finances. It is always difficult and dangerous for a relationship when you don't evolve a mutually acceptable approach to significant issues like finances (or parenting, sex, boundaries etc).
The way you phrase your question offers clues about one likely reason why things have remained unresolved between you. You appear to have a tendency to treat your opinion as a fact. You talk about what "should" be happening now as if your approach and priorities are obviously the right ones and hers are wrong. Using language like "spending wildly on lavish treats" gives the impression that you are judging her way is irresponsible. Your whole question comes across as an attempt to paint yourself as a hero and your wife as the villain.
If this is how you talk with your spouse, you are setting yourself up for failure. Showing disrespect to your partner's opinion and behaviour invites them to do precisely the same to yours. It might be that, right now, you are reaping what you have sown.
Good teams are built on diversity. There's no point in having a team where everyone thinks the same. Around money, it's ideal if a couple consists of a "spender" and a "saver". That means there is someone, like yourself, who focuses on your long-term security, and there is someone, like your wife, who makes sure that you are making the most of present-day opportunities for enjoyment and pleasure. The key to getting the best outcomes is having a way of resolving differences that works.
It looks like you have taken a common wrong turn many couples make in their attempts to settle conflict and disagreements about money. One person's approach tends to prevail - the person perceived to have entitlement to most influence (e.g. "The main breadwinner"). Their partner expresses disagreement or concern occasionally with ineffectual complaining or passive-aggressive resistance. This would be the standard path for the issue of finance to become "thorny".
If you are typical, while you were the primary breadwinner, decisions were more in line with your beliefs because your wife felt disempowered. This may not have been obvious to you, especially when you have done things like bankrolling her business. But note that your language is "I" did that, not "we". That implies you felt in control of that decision.
Over the last 35 years, we have increasingly seen the partner earning less or no money feeling like they have less right to influence decisions about finances than the person making more. Society's devaluing of unpaid labour underpins this dynamic. If you went so far as to play the "I earn the money, so I get the final say in how we use it" card, she is now simply playing by your rules.
We are not saying this is all your fault. It takes two of you to create that kind of dynamic. If your wife went along with your approach to balancing spending and saving while not fully agreeing, that is her responsibility. Sadly, many people who feel disempowered and "go along" are resentful and unhappy but not powerfully assertive.
Now there may be a pendulum swing from under-entitlement into over-entitlement to spend as she wishes, the way she wishes. She may see this as fair if you mainly got to set the culture about finances when you earned more. Despite any conflict at the time, you may want to ask yourself, whose approach to money and spending prevailed when you saw yourself as the primary breadwinner? If it was yours, did you engage with her ideas fully and respectfully? Did you behave like there was any merit in her different approach to money and spending?
You talk about how your partner is now aggressively shutting you down. We want to make it clear that dominating someone with aggression, including verbal is not OK. But we are encouraging you to consider if there has been a subtly superior position you have been adopting that may have stoked the fires of your partner's hurt and anger. If you haven't respectfully considered her ideas around money earlier in the relationship, you and your partner are probably now engaged in a power struggle without being conscious of it.
We think your wife does need to stop shutting you down in your discussions about money. However, before you get to that, there may be another conversation about the culture of your relationship, the way you have talked in the past, that needs to happen first.
Invite her to review your whole dynamic as a couple around money and finances. Show willingness to resolve your differences and forge a united approach moving forward. See if you can both recognise the mistakes you made in the past that led to the current impasse. Avoid "tit for tat" thinking. Be willing to go first in acknowledging fault. That may make your partner more interested in engaging in the conversation with you and less likely to try and shut you down. You may need to persist or even write a brief, heartfelt letter. Writing sometimes works better than face to face by giving her a chance to consider what you say before responding to it.
Evolving "our joint approach" takes a lot of discussion as you are two different people and appear to have very different ideas about what to use money for and how to manage it. We have already written a lot about the principles of slowing down and listening for the value in your partner's approach. We are also encouraging you to talk about the downsides or drivers of your thinking.
If you can approach your partner with humility and show interest and respect for her ideas, we suggest it is likely you will be able to find a way to de-thorn the topic of finances. Listening to, acknowledging and showing empathy for her past frustrations and grievances may be challenging. But displaying that level of care is often the key to forging a new alliance around a previously thorny topic.
• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
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