Statistically, blended family couples have a much lower survival rate than couples who get together without children already present.
OPINION:
As we say goodbye to 2023 and welcome in 2024, it’s a good time to catch up on the very best of the Herald columnists we enjoyed reading over the last 12 months. From politics to sport, from business to entertainment and lifestyle, these are the voices and views our audience loved the most. Today it’s five of the top advice columns of the year from psychologists and family therapists Verity Thom and Nic Beets.
Q. I met a lovely man 18 months ago and I feel like he’s the one for me. There’s just one problem - he has two children with his ex. I don’t have children by choice and I always told myself I wouldn’t get seriously involved with a man who did. (Yet, here I am!) My partner and I don’t yet live together but the children spend three days a week, including every second weekend, at his house. They’re not bad kids and I don’t think I’m a mean stepmum kind of person - I’m just not really interested in children generally and I haven’t felt any “connection” with them. I have to admit that I also resent the time and energy they take away from our relationship, especially at weekends. Where do I go from here?
A. It is wonderful that you are stopping and listening to some strong warning signals before you move in with your new love. Now is the ideal time to make a clear-eyed assessment of where you’re going with your relationship.
Understandably, infatuated single parents in your new man’s situation will try to minimise the problems and reassure their partners that “it will all be all right”. We’re sure he sincerely believes he will somehow cushion for you the impact of living with his kids a lot of the time. Sadly, wishing it so will not make it so. If your partner is saying this and encouraging you to ignore your profound reservations about being involved with children, there is a significant danger of setting yourselves up for failure.
We are not saying, “Give up now.” But it is vital that you proceed on a cautious and realistic basis. Statistically, blended family couples have a much lower survival rate than couples who get together without children already present. We see much pain and upset in our offices when blended family issues are not handled well. Often this is due to naivete or a reluctance to admit to and plan for the inevitable challenges of blended family life. Read more >
Q. My partner and I have been sleeping in separate beds for three years now since our second child was born. I am a stay-at-home mother so I would attend to the baby during the night, and my partner started sleeping in the spare room so he could be alert for work. Now our youngest is 3 and sleeps through the night more often, but we still are sleeping in separate rooms. Should I be worried?
A. The short answer to your question is “it depends”. Sleeping in separate rooms is not always a sign that something is going wrong in your relationship.
Recent research suggests that many people (17 per cent in a recent Australian survey of 2000 couples) sleep in separate rooms. There is a belief that sleeping separately is usually a sign of relationship problems but this is not borne out by the research. In fact, if sharing a bed damages your sleep (e.g. because your partner snores loudly or has a very different bio-rhythm from you), that’s far more likely to harm your relationship. Sleep deprivation makes everyone grumpy!
Nevertheless, it is wise to stop and ask yourself, is this okay? Wise, because it sounds like sleeping separately is a pattern you have slipped into without discussion, and making major changes to your relationship without talking about them is dangerous. It’s important to talk through why you’re making the changes and what they mean to each of you. You don’t say why you’re concerned, but that’s something you should be talking to your spouse about and also asking if he has any concerns. It’s also vital that you have talked through how you will deal with the impact of the changes on things like your sense of being special to each other, your sex life, your ability to have private conversations, etc. Read more >
Q. I have been married for over 30 years but our relationship has declined since Covid. I found out earlier this year that my husband had an affair with a mutual friend last year. He says it is over, but still wants to keep her as a friend and travels frequently with her as they are involved in sport together. I have categorically told him that he needs to cut all ties with her if he wants to stay married to me, but he says I need to let it go. He does not want to do any counselling together nor does he want a separation.
A. Gosh, you have been through a tough time! Learning your partner of 30 years has had an affair is bad enough. But to have him refuse to engage around it and expect you to accept him continuing to have contact with his partner in the affair is rubbing salt into the wound.
We are struck by the long list of things your husband is not prepared to do and are wondering what consequences of his hurtful behaviour he is willing to accept. Has he taken any steps to “clean up his mess” and restore things with you? Or does he act as if he is entitled to do whatever he wants without consequence?
It is a giant red flag if someone has an affair but then shows no willingness to do what is required to restore the broken trust or show empathy for your vulnerability. So it makes sense you are considering separating. Before you commit to that path, there are a few things we suggest you reflect on. Read more >
Q. I have been with someone for 18 months. We don’t live together. I’m divorced and she is separated and has been going through a very difficult financial separation for the entire time we’ve been together. Understandably it occupies much of her waking thoughts and much of our conversation. I feel lonely and exhausted by it but also want to be supportive. She thinks a lot about our future together and wants our lives to be more merged. I, on the other hand, am anxious about that and at times make excuses not to see her. I don’t feel completely authentic, I’m not good at being alone and often have gone from relationship to relationship. I wonder if I should follow my intuition and be alone and enjoy just being me.
A. It sounds like there are two different but related issues you are grappling with. It may help you to consider them separately. Firstly, you are looking at how focused on being in a relationship you have been and wondering if you would be wise to spend some time alone. Secondly, you are beginning to recognise that you have been too accommodating of your partner for your own good.
The connection between these issues is likely to be your relationship with yourself. On the one hand, we would guess you struggle to feel competent, capable or safe enough to be by yourself. Being alone is scary. On the other hand, it seems like there is a fear that you aren’t good enough or important enough to be loved for who you are, so you need to be pleasing and accommodating, maybe even self-sacrificial, to secure the relationship you need to feel safe.
At this point, we encourage you to use the opportunity your existing relationship provides to work on learning to value and assert yourself better. Working on this when you are single (especially if you undertake individual therapy with this as a focus) is possible but the progress tends to be slower. A significant relationship will challenge you to care for yourself more frequently. Read more >
Q. My partner and I have been in a relationship for three years and recently moved in together. We’d always been open about our finances (I thought) and decided to split our living expenses based on our incomes. Recently, however, he left his online banking open on his laptop in the kitchen and when I glanced over I inadvertently saw his true income. It was a complete shock because it turns out he’s earning five times what I do. I haven’t mentioned it to him as I don’t want it to seem like I’ve broken his trust by looking at his account but I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach because he’s been lying to me and letting me pay more than I believe is fair. What should I do?
A. Your distress is very understandable, and we commend your restraint in taking a considered and careful approach to raising the issue with your partner. Trust and respect are the bedrock of a long-term relationship, so it’s essential you find out what has been going on and, more importantly, why? Taking the right approach with your partner is crucial to getting the information you need.
As with any tricky situation, staying steady enough to remain connected and talk with your partner (rather than “talking at him”) would be in your own best interest. However, the reality is that, even if you raise it perfectly, he may not respond well. His response will be useful information about the meaning of his deception.
The first thing we think you should consider is if this is genuinely a one-off. That is, in every other interaction has your partner been up-front, honest, and dealt fairly with you? If the answer is “Yes” it may be wise to remain open to the idea that there may be a benign, if not misguided, reason behind him deceiving you about his income.
However, if there have been other incidents where your partner has misled you, withheld information, made you doubt yourself, deflected, or denied reasonable questions, then you may be in a situation outside what is normal in a healthy relationship and need to proceed very carefully. Read more >
Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.
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