Ask the experts: I can't stop stalking my ex on social media - how do I stop?

Can't stop stalking your ex on social media? It might be time to go cold turkey. Photo / 123RF

Opinion

Recently a friend and I thought it would be fun to look up our exes on social media over a few wines. Bad idea! We found my first serious boyfriend who I was with as a teenager and I couldn't get over how good he still looked. Then there was the high-flying job, the perfect (younger) wife and the cute-as-a-button kids. I couldn't help but compare his life to my own - a body destroyed by three beautiful babies, an ageing husband and a job I'm not that excited about. I've now become obsessed with stalking him and his wife on social media. How do I stop this unhealthy habit, get more excited about my own life and rekindle the spark with my hubby? - Maria

Hi Maria,

There have been screeds written now about the peril of too much social media and the discontent it can breed about our own seemingly, by comparison, meagre lives. We can vouch from years of looking beneath the surface that a life looking perfect on the outside is often very different on the inside. It's great you can see this for the unhealthy habit it is and the discontent it generates in you.

You might ask yourself how this obsessive habit serves you? It may be that it is easier to get lost in a fantasy about other people's lives than to take the steps required to feel more satisfied with your own. Risking wanting to improve things in your own life can feel vulnerable. Is it possible you are too fearful to try? Or is it pointing to unresolved grief about past choices? Do you need to make peace with yourself?

You have clearly thought about the need to get on in your own life. We love that you are now ready to act. We urge you to fully commit to your wonderful goals, get more excited about your own life and rekindle the spark with your husband. It may feel like a big mountain to climb when you stand at the bottom, but it is doable. We have seen many couples make these kinds of changes by working as a team and focusing on one step at a time.

The first step would be to go cold turkey with the social media stalking. Block the relevant accounts, and if you used a fake account to stalk, get rid of it. Commit the time and mental energy you spent thinking about your ex to making changes in your own life.

If you are a typical parent, you will need to make a determined effort to make this a top priority. It is all too easy for mum and dad's needs to keep falling off the bottom of the urgency list. For many people, women in particular, putting themselves and their relationship first and ensuring they carve out time and energy to give to this is their biggest hurdle.

The next step; start with yourself. It may be that a life coach or individual therapist could be a good starting point to help you sort through your priorities for change and the steps you want to take. Having the accountability and encouragement of regular coaching sessions can be helpful. If this is not practical for you, a good substitute is using a life-change workbook and meeting regularly with a friend to discuss the actions you are taking.

You mention that your body has been "destroyed" by three babies. If you have scarring, functional issues, or pain, we urge you to seek medical assistance as there is much that can be done to ameliorate these concerns. Suppose you feel disembodied because of weight gain or body changes after pregnancy and birthing. In that case, it is vital to regain your connection with your body and to feel more comfortable in your skin. Recapture your body as a source of pleasure rather than a site of oppression. Again, there are many ways to do this, from online reading and courses to books to group therapy.

Try not to compare yourself to others (and especially not your ex's young wife!). There can be grief as we change with age and life. We do lose things. But we also gain things. Make sure that you acknowledge and focus on what you have gained. For example, many couples feel bonded by the experience of having kids together – which you can't have without your body changing.

Trying to make many changes at once can be overwhelming, and for most of us, our home life is a lot more under our control than our work life. We may be biased, but we think you should attend to rekindling the spark with your hubby before trying to liven up your working life.

For the best chance of success, "spark rekindling" must be a joint project. Choose a good moment (maybe with a bit of warning) to try and engage your husband. Make sure you use positive language; talk about what you DO want rather than what you don't want. Talk about desiring more with him, recapturing a sense of passion or excitement. When they talk about the "spark, "many people are referring to a strong sexual connection. Be upfront if that's important to you. Then, ask him if he ever has feelings or thoughts like that. See if you can enlist him in this exciting passion project. If he feels criticised or blamed, you may need to try again later. Don't give up!

Psychologists Verity Thom and Nic Beets are specialist relationship and sex therapists. Photo / Dean Purcell

If you and he have successfully tackled challenges before, draw on this knowledge to have confidence that you will succeed if you are determined and pull together on this. Brainstorm ideas about how you could build the spark between you. Be wary of romantic or sexual cliches and instead think very personally about what first steps you could each make to rekindle a romantic connection. It may be small things like turning off devices and talking deeply more often, giving voice to your attraction to each other, or sending messages with a bit of innuendo or sexiness. Lightness and fun are usually helpful at this stage, rather than lots of pressure and unrealistic expectations. Give yourselves room and space to experiment. Think about what used to work, but accept that your circumstances have changed, so what works for you now may be different.

Try and ensure your expectations and those of your partner are realistic and aligned. Determined persistence and teamwork will work best. There has to be an element of trial and error – meaning some things will be disappointing, difficult, or even painful. Expect that, be resilient and not deterred. Make sure you acknowledge and celebrate each change made to encourage yourselves.

If you put energy into connecting compassionately with yourself, work with your partner as a determined team, and move your relationship way up your family priority list, you will likely find many places to rekindle the spark.

• Verity & Nic are psychologists and family therapists who have specialised in relationship and sex therapy for more than 25 years. They have been working on their own relationship for more than 40 years and have two adult children.