Advice: Was I wrong to tell my dead friend’s son that his father sold sperm to a sperm bank?

If your email goes unanswered, is it a sign you've overstepped? Photo / Getty Images

A reader wonders whether she overstepped by telling her old friend’s son about his father’s tactic for making extra cash during his med school days.

Q: A good friend died 20 years ago, leaving two sons (then 12 and 14). When my friend was in medical school, before he married, he earned money occasionally by selling sperm to a sperm bank. It wasn’t a big deal to him; he told me about it. When his older son was 20, he reached out to some of his father’s friends on Facebook, asking for old photos and anecdotes. I was happy to provide them, but I decided he was too young to hear about the sperm donations. Fast-forward to this year: I emailed his son, now 34, after deciding he had a right to know about the donations. I wanted to warn him in case he was contacted by someone using a genetic testing service. But I never heard back from him. I sent two more emails: an apology if I overstepped and another with more photos. Still no response! Was I wrong to tell him? - Friend

A: I have no doubt that you meant well. But I believe you misjudged when you told your friend’s son about his father’s sperm bank activity – in response to a 14-year-old request for photos and cute stories. You don’t mention any relationship with these sons. So, it was probably a stretch to decide that you were the right person to warn them about potential siblings – which is entirely speculative, of course. Knowing a fact doesn’t oblige us to tell it.

You also report that your friend shared the story of his donations easily. So, there are probably other people in his sons’ lives who knew and were better suited to decide whether to share this information. (I don’t want to imply that your friend did anything wrong, but it can be a sensitive subject.) And his son’s silence in response to your three messages suggests that your news was probably unwelcome.

Now, we all misfire occasionally. The important thing is not to compound the error by digging in our heels or making excuses. Stop contacting the son. You thought you were being helpful, but you were mistaken. Lesson learned for the next time, right?

While they’re on a cruise, we’re in the kennel

Q: We are a retired couple and close friends with another retired couple. They travel often, and we have kept their dog in our home many times. Once, we kept the dog for a whole month! They have now announced that they are going on a 100-day cruise, and they expect that we will care for their dog as we have in the past. But we don’t want their dog for 100 days. How can we get out of this gracefully? - Neighbours

A: Grace seems less important to me than directness here. You don’t say how your friends conveyed their expectation that you would keep their dog for three months, nor do you say how you responded. (That may be part of the problem.) When people make unreasonable requests or assumptions about what we are willing to do, we have to straighten them out – or we may get stuck with a dog for 100 days! It’s not rude or mean to be honest here. Simply tell them (soon) that watching their dog is too much for you and that they should make arrangements with a professional dogsitter or boarding facility. That’s perfectly reasonable.

No need to feel flattened by a fifth wheel

Q: Twice recently, my husband and I were invited to dinner at the homes of couples we know. We assumed they wanted to get to know us better. But both times, we were surprised to be joined by a visiting family member. At one, it was a cousin from down the street; at the other, it was a visiting niece. Their presence definitely changed the dynamic. Did these hosts behave politely, or are my husband and I correct that they were inconsiderate and rude to include others and take away from the intention of the evening? - Guests

A: I think that you and your husband should reconsider your notion of hospitality. In both cases, your hosts shopped, cooked, tidied their homes and served you dinner. Yet you interpret all that generosity as rudeness because of an extra guest. That strikes me as rigid and ungrateful.

You don’t mention either couple specifying a dinner for four. Hosts aren’t obliged to share their guest lists in advance. And the idea that you couldn’t get to know one another better because an extra person was there seems silly. Feel free to arrange your dinner parties as you like. But don’t degrade the generosity of others: it’s unflattering.

Travel essential for a PCH joyride: an extra teenager?

Q: My husband and I are planning a family vacation, driving the Pacific Coast Highway in California. Our only child is 14, and she wants another teenager around. We’re happy to host a friend and pay for her food and lodging. But is it okay to ask the friend’s parents to pay for her airfare to California (about US$500)? A fourth airline ticket would eat up a chunk of our travel budget. - Parents

A: That sounds generous to me! But before your daughter invites anyone, you should speak with the friend’s parents to make sure that they feel comfortable sending their daughter off with you – and that US$500 ($830) fits their budget. You may avoid unnecessary disappointment that way. Happy driving!

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Written by: Philip Galanes

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