"I like living alone, and I’m concerned about losing my independence. My girlfriend is concerned about having to deal with my small quirks." Photo / 123RF
New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.
Q: My partner and I have been seeing each other for 2½ years. We’re planning to move in together next year, and if all goes well, to get married the year after that. The problem: neither of us is super excited about moving in together. I like living alone, and I’m concerned about losing my independence. My girlfriend is concerned about having to deal with my small quirks. We’ve even discussed looking for a two-bedroom apartment, so we can have defined spaces to be alone. Make no mistake, we love each other deeply. And we recognise that there are many benefits to moving in together, such as advancing our relationship. Do we have a problem? — BOYFRIEND
A: I think you have the opposite of a problem: through good communication, you and your girlfriend have identified an issue that was probably awkward to raise and to discuss. But you did it. Well done! To me, this bodes well for your relationship. And since there is no single answer here, let’s consider a few options.
Regardless of which apartment you plan to live in — hers, yours or one you haven’t found yet — you can experiment now, in your current spaces, by designating zones and blocks of time in which you can be alone. Healthy couples are rarely together 24/7, and scheduling time and space for independence can be an important part of caring for yourself and your relationship. Now, this may be easier to pull off in a larger apartment, as you suggest, but you can still try it now.
Let me add that there is no one way to advance your relationship, as you put it — and it certainly doesn’t require shared real estate. I know a happily married couple who have lived in separate apartments in the same building for 30 years! This may not be your aim, but keep talking about what’s working and what isn’t. That’s the important thing. It seems to me that you and your girlfriend are off to a healthy start.
Q: Our adult son’s girlfriend is transgender. This is not an issue for us. But we are all invited to our nephew’s wedding, and his branch of the family is socially conservative. I have heard passing remarks from them over the years that indicate potential transphobia. The bridegroom’s family has never met our son’s girlfriend, nor do they know she is trans, but everyone has deep affection for our son. Do we owe the bridegroom or his parents any warning? — MOTHER
A: Good question for these divisive times! You are not entitled to out your son’s girlfriend to anyone without her express permission; that is her call. At the same time, I would not send her unwittingly into a possibly hostile environment. And I bet that she has more experience with these questions than either of us. Share your concerns with her and let her decide how she wants to proceed.
Q: I live in a small town that is fortunate to have a coffee shop and bakery on the main street. Unfortunately, its baked goods are subpar. They are unappetising and tasteless, and pale rather than nicely browned. I have bought cookies and turnovers with high hopes and then thrown them away after one bite. The issue is not enough butter in their recipes or perhaps the use of commercially bought dough. Is there a way to tell the hardworking owners that their baked goods would be better if they used more butter? — CUSTOMER
A: I am an admittedly mediocre baker, but I wonder about your diagnosis. Fat content — whether butter, lard or other shortening — is often the driver of richness in baked goods, but butter is not the only source of fat. And a golden-brown colour is a function of sugars and heat, not fat. Are you possibly an amateur, too?
You are also but one customer, and taste is relative. And you don’t suggest that the bakery is failing. Still, savvy proprietors are open to the opinions of their patrons, so knock yourself out: “I really want you to succeed, and I think your baked goods would benefit from higher fat content. Have you experimented with that?”
Q: An older relative is downsizing and moving into a retirement community. I have heard that she intends to offer me her large collection of antique dolls. I am genuinely touched, but I have no interest in her collection — not even a single doll, if it can be avoided. How can I decline her offer without causing hurt? — RELATIVE
A: Honesty is (usually) the best policy. “How kind of you to think of me! But I can’t take the dolls.” Cite space constraints or your own need to streamline if a naked refusal seems too brusque. But here’s another perspective for you to consider: I have an older uncle whom I love dearly. If taking over a prized collection of his (that I didn’t want) would make a stressful move easier, I would do it in a heartbeat — and find a loving home for the stuff later. Still, this doesn’t oblige you to take the dolls!
This article originally appeared in The New York Times.
Written by: Philip Galanes
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