Advice: My girlfriend won’t introduce me to her children or friends

"I have never met her children, and I’ve been asked to leave her house hurriedly when they are coming over."

New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.

Q: My girlfriend and I have been together for seven years. We were both married with children when we met, had an affair and left our marriages to be together. We are very much in love, but she hides me from her family and friends. I have never met her children (13 and 10), and I’ve been asked to leave her house hurriedly when they are coming over. I haven’t met many of her friends, either. I’ve told her how much this hurts me. It’s our biggest source of conflict. But she says she prefers it this way. We have a lot of fun together, but it makes me sad to think about how much I love her – I invite her to all my family events – and yet she doesn’t want the most important people in her life to know me. What should I do? – BOYFRIEND

A: Press for a better explanation! I’m glad that you’ve communicated your hurt feelings to your girlfriend. That’s an important first step. But her response, that she prefers to keep you separate, skirts the real question: Why? Now, it would be terrific if our partners were always forthcoming about the hard issues in our relationships, but sometimes we have to press them – even if we fear their responses.

Here, your girlfriend may feel ashamed about having had an affair that broke up her family, or she may be reluctant to disrupt her children’s lives by introducing them to a new boyfriend. But my theories are irrelevant! Encourage your girlfriend to open up to you about the reasons for her preference. If she doesn’t see your relationship progressing, you deserve to know that.

Now, you probably have already tried to explore this issue with her. (And after seven years, her continued unwillingness to include you may be its own answer.) You might suggest couples’ counselling to address this conflict. But don’t settle for less than you want for fear of disrupting what you have. Understanding your girlfriend’s intentions more clearly is the only way to know if this relationship can work for you.

Refreshing your inbox for a sign of sympathy

Q: Last month, I lost my great love – my dog. He died in my arms with my husband beside us and our children FaceTiming with us from college. My husband emailed our family and friends to let them know. I posted on social media, and the response was overwhelming! But my mother-in-law has yet to reach out to me. She responded to the initial email my husband sent. I have always been the one to initiate contact with her, but I thought this might be an exception. I will reach out to her eventually, but I don’t have the emotional bandwidth now. Am I crazy to be upset? – DOG MOM

A: Of course you’re not crazy! You’re grieving. And I’m sorry for your loss. As for your mother-in-law, you report that she responded to the email your husband sent, presumably to express her condolences. And your husband told you about it. So, it doesn’t seem like an unforgivable miscalculation for her to have decided that one message was sufficient – considering your lopsided pattern of communication.

That doesn’t invalidate your feelings. Still, it may not be productive to expect that everyone will respond to us exactly as we would like. People are different. So, wait to reach out to your mother-in-law until you feel ready. Take care of yourself now.

Waiting (and waiting) to be heard

Q: I have a friend who interrupts me on the phone as soon as I begin talking. Recently, I was trying to tell him something I had done, and he said, “Let me stop you right there,” before I had finished telling him what happened. I replied, “Let me finish” three times while he continued to interrupt me. Finally, I hung up on him. How do I resolve this problem? – FRIEND

A: It’s so frustrating and hurtful to be constantly interrupted. One of the great benefits of friendship is feeling heard. It’s probably better to address this problem in person. While you are standing in front of him, he may be less likely to interrupt you. But you can also try to address this on the phone or by text.

Ask him to listen more respectfully – without interrupting you. Wait until you feel calm to speak to him, though. If your friend picks up on your (justified) annoyance, he may become defensive, and it’s harder to fix problems from that posture.

What’s next: pics of her passport stamps?

Q: My friend travels to exotic places, and she’s proud of it. But when she works her travels into group texts, it sounds as if she is gloating. (It’s cringey!) On a group text about a proposed lunch date, she replied that she would be at the North Pole then, checking out polar bears. Can I stop her before she alienates people? – FRIEND

A: Most of my friends have special interests, and group chats often include the reasons for scheduling conflicts: visiting children, bridge tournaments, business trips. Do you find these texts “cringey” too? Part of friendship is respecting our friends’ passions, even if you are inclined to judge them. I would let this go. You are not the arbiter of your friend’s speech.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Written by: Philip Galanes

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