"Part of me is angry, part of me is worried, and part of me is wondering if I’m overreacting." Photo / 123rf
Psychologist Dr Joshua Coleman answers a reader’s relationship question.
Q: My husband and I have been married for 10 years. He was always much more into having sex than I was but he never really complained about it, so I thought we were in a good place. A few months ago, I found a life-size silicone sex doll hidden in the back of the garage. When I confronted him, he said he didn’t tell me because he thought I’d judge him. He swears it’s just a physical outlet and insists it’s not ‘cheating’ because it’s not a real person. But I still feel betrayed - like he’s created a secret sex life without me. Part of me is angry, part of me is worried, and part of me is wondering if I’m overreacting.
A: Your reactions are completely understandable. Most people would feel unsettled - even betrayed - by discovering that their spouse had created a secret sexual life, even if that life involved a doll rather than a person. The concealment may matter to you as much as the act, since secrecy in marriage can sometimes erode trust faster than the behaviour itself.
At the same time, he might not have known how to tell you. From what you describe, he has always been more interested in sex than you and may have feared that voicing his feelings would make you feel hurt or criticised. He may have also worried that pressuring you to be more sexual would damage the marriage, as sometimes happens when there’s a disparity in desire between partners. From that perspective, he may have seen the doll as a compromise: an outlet for his needs that didn’t involve infidelity with another human being. If your marriage is otherwise solid, that distinction matters.
Still, your feelings of anger and unease are understandable. While the doll is artificial, the fantasy that surrounds it is real. Most of us would find it hard not to feel threatened in comparison; replaced by something that seems designed to deliver “perfect sex with a perfect body” on demand. Unlike pornography, which you can close out with a click, the doll has a physical presence. It sits in your shared space and becomes a silent third party in the marriage.
I wonder if some of your feelings might also include misplaced guilt: the thought that if your sexual interest matched his, he wouldn’t have needed his plastic paramour. While the mismatch in sexual interest is important to address, no one makes someone buy a doll any more than they “make” their partner have an affair.
It’s also worth asking how open your husband feels to expressing his needs more generally. People sometimes stop voicing preferences when they expect rejection or criticism. His secrecy may reflect conflict avoidance rather than pure deception. Still, avoiding conflict is its own form of dishonesty - and can be just as damaging over time.
Culturally, you’re far from alone in this situation. The market for sex dolls is booming, especially for men. They’re becoming cheaper, more realistic and increasingly customizable, with a global industry projected to approach US$50 billion ($87b) by the end of the decade. In one study, men who were shy or reserved were more likely to be interested in purchasing them. Your husband buying a sex doll may not reflect on your marriage alone, but on broader dynamics around desire and the difficulty many people feel in voicing it.
So where does this leave you? First, acknowledge that your feelings are understandable. Second, treat this not just as a crisis but as an opening to talk about your sex life, honesty and how both of you want to be in the marriage. Is he content with less frequent sex with you and more with the doll? Are you? Would couples or sex therapy help? What would make you feel less blindsided and more secure?
Some couples make peace with things like fantasy, pornography and sex toys - even sex outside the marriage as long as the terms are mutual and transparent. Others can’t or won’t agree to any of it. What matters most is whether the two of you can negotiate an understanding that feels honest and fair to both of you.
That’s because resilience in long-term partnerships depends less on avoiding conflict than on learning to work through it. The real test is not the form desire takes, but whether both partners can meet it with openness, respect and collaboration.