Advice: I feel bad for my mother, but I’m sick of her complaining - help!

What should you do if you dread taking phone calls from your own mother? Photo / 123rf

Question: I believe my mom is severely depressed. Her husband – my stepdad – is a textbook narcissist, and she is miserable with him. She was seeing a therapist, but she stopped after a few months because she didn’t find it helpful. Every time she calls me, she tells me that she despises my stepdad and that if it weren’t for me and my daughter, she would kill herself. (She’s kidding, but what a dark thing to say!) I have suggested antidepressants, but she shuts me down. I am extremely close to my mother: she is kind and intelligent and an incredible mum. So, I feel terrible that I dread answering the phone when she calls, but our conversations make me feel helpless and sad. What should I do? - Daugher

Answer: I sympathise with you tremendously: my mother also pressed me into service as her confidant, so I know firsthand the sadness and helplessness you feel in the face of your mother’s seeming unwillingness to make constructive changes in her life. Still, I suspect that you, like me, are unqualified to diagnose mental illnesses, prescribe medications or assess the likelihood of self-harm – all of which you do in your brief letter.

To this outsider, you and your mother seem locked in a dynamic in which your role is limited to listening as she complains. But unlike you, I hear a concerning note in her statement that she would hurt herself if you or your daughter withdrew from her. A healthy person does not regularly threaten to take her own life. Get your mother to a mental health professional now; we can discuss setting boundaries with her later.

In my experience, the best way to ensure that recalcitrant patients seek the help they need is to accompany them. Schedule an appointment with a family therapist for you and your mother, go to the appointment with her and keep going until everyone agrees that her situation is under control (or until she is willing to go on her own). Your mother is behaving selfishly toward you, in my view, but for now, she may be doing the best she can.

Reek doesn’t respect property lines

Question: I live in a state where the recreational use of marijuana was recently legalised. My neighbour smokes it regularly outside his home. The smell is extremely strong – to the point that we cannot open our windows or go outdoors while he is smoking or for a period afterward. I am growing increasingly resentful that I can’t send my children outside to play or open our windows for fresh air. May I kindly tell him to smoke indoors? - Neighbour

Answer: I know what you’re saying: There is some funky-smelling weed out there! And while laws that permit cannabis use vary by state, it is hard to imagine one that would prohibit the use of cannabis by adults on their private property. So, no, you should not kindly tell your neighbour anything.

But you may certainly ask – in a friendly way – if he would consider vaping (which tends to smell significantly less) or choose a milder-smelling strain of cannabis. Remember, you are asking for a favour here. So, no matter how resentful you feel, keep it cordial for the best results.

The honour of your labour is requested

Question: We were invited to the wedding of a couple who are newer, peripheral friends of ours. A week before the wedding, they sent us a text informing us that we are signed up for a 3-1/2-hour shift before the wedding to help set up the venue. This was never mentioned before! The wedding is taking place on a Thursday, and we are already taking a day off work to make the seven-hour round trip to the event. Do we have to say yes? - Guest

Answer: You are, of course, not obliged to help set up a wedding venue if that expectation was not conveyed clearly in the invitation. But almost as puzzling to me: why are you making a daylong journey to the wedding of “peripheral friends” in the first place?

The tactful course here is to extend grace to the bridal couple. Put it down to a misunderstanding. Respond that your travel schedule does not permit an early arrival on the wedding day (or, presumably, a late departure), that you are sorry for the misunderstanding and that you will understand if they prefer you not attend the wedding. Then the ball’s in their court.

Caught in the act! (Of sending off a friend?)

Question: Many years ago, I ran into my cousin’s husband at a gay bar. He told me he was attending a going-away party for a friend. I never mentioned this to anyone in my family. But here we are, 20 years later, and my cousin just died. Her son is an out gay man. Should I tell him that I ran into his father at a gay bar and that he might have been gay? - Cousin

Answer: No needless pot-stirring on my watch! Let your cousin’s son process his mother’s recent death in peace. And don’t speculate on the sexuality of others – based on their presence at going-away parties or otherwise. This is absolutely none of your business.

Where to get help:

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Written by: Philip Galanes

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