Advice: How do I get my unemployed brother out of our father’s house?

"Ever since we moved our father to an assisted living facility, my brother has been living in his house."

New York Times advice columnist Philip Galanes answers readers’ questions.

Q: My brother, in his 50s, was a successful professional for many years. He was laid off from his job four years ago and has been unable to find regular employment since then. He has now depleted his savings. He says it’s challenging to find work in his field as an older person, so I suggested taking a lower-paying job — in any field — to support himself, but he doesn’t appear to be looking for work. And ever since we moved our father to an assisted living facility, my brother has been living in his house. Keeping the house is an unnecessary financial burden on our father, and my brother has agreed that we should sell it. But every time we set a timetable for doing so, he asks for a delay. I’m worried about what will happen if he never finds another place to live. Should I say something to him? — SISTER

A: I certainly understand your anxiety about your aging father and your brother’s financial dependence on him. And I agree that four years is a long stretch to be unemployed. But you haven’t said anything about your father’s finances, or his ability to manage them. Keeping the house may be unnecessary, in your view, but that doesn’t settle the question. Under most circumstances, deciding when to sell the house would be your father’s call — not yours, or your brother’s.

Now, if your father is cognitively fit, but you believe the current setup is financially unsustainable, or that your brother may look to you for support after he depletes your father’s accounts, speak to both of them: “I am worried that keeping the house indefinitely and maintaining both of you from Dad’s investments is untenable. What are your plans for housing and support in the future?” Perfectly reasonable!

If your father is no longer up to the task of financial planning, speak to your brother on his own. Without more information about your father’s assets or his arrangements with your brother (not to mention actual information about his search for a job), it’s hard to know whether there is cause for concern here. I doubt that either of them would want you to worry, though. So, if you are concerned, broach the issue respectfully.

Whatever happened to ‘ew, gross’?

Q: I hosted my friends’ 9-year-old son for an overnight stay. It was his mother’s birthday, and she and her husband went out to celebrate. I took their son out of the mix, so they could enjoy their evening out and sleep in. During dinner, we were talking about his parents’ fun night, and the boy said, “They’ll probably bang tonight!” I responded that he shouldn’t talk about things like that. But he continued. I assure you, I am no shrinking violet, but his remarks struck me as odd and discomfiting. Should I tell his parents? — FRIEND

A: In my experience, provocative statements by 9-year-olds, as well as curiosity about sex and bodies, are perfectly natural. Many parents will have introduced the basic concepts of puberty and human reproduction by then, and the ubiquity of sexual content on television (and easy access to pornography online) make it likely that this boy has at least a patchy understanding of sex.

Still, I would share his remarks with his parents. They should know that he raised the subject at an inappropriate time, and used inappropriate language. But don’t be too worried. This is all part of raising children.

Fending off a hug when your heart’s not in it

Q: My cousin’s grown sons and their spouses have been neglectful of me and my family over the years. We have included them in family gatherings, but they have not included us. They declined an invitation to my son’s wedding but never even acknowledged it with a card or note. Soon, their father will be honoured by a charitable organisation. Chances are, his sons and their wives will approach us with hugs and kisses. I think reciprocating is hypocritical, but I don’t want to cause a scene. Advice? — COUSIN

A: Frankly, I am more concerned about your hurt feelings and seeming bitterness than I am about hugs. I’m sorry that the adult sons do not seem to reciprocate your familial feelings, but there is little to be done about that; they feel how they feel. At the same time, I think you should talk this issue out with a close friend or counsellor, so that your hard feelings don’t bleed into your (apparently good) relationship with your cousin. (To avoid hugs, just extend your arm in a proactive handshake.)

Take it up with Isaac Newton

Q: Our house sits downhill from some surrounding houses. When it rains heavily, water pours from our neighbours’ properties and collects in our driveway and basement. We have video proof of this. When we mentioned it to our neighbours, they didn’t suggest any solutions. In fact, their attitude was: “Deal with it!” Should we escalate this to legal action, or suffer in silence? — NEIGHBOUR

A: I’m sorry to hear about your flooding. Neighbours are not generally responsible for gravity, though. Unless they have built up their properties in such a way that runoff now flows down to yours, I would be surprised if a court found them legally accountable for water flowing downhill. Consider installing a retaining wall or a drainage system.

This article originally appeared in The New York Times.

Written by: Philip Galanes

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