Q: My father and stepmother, who is important to me, are ageing. They are in their mid-70s, and I am an only child in my early 40s. For years, my father has been trying to persuade my stepmother to reduce her possessions. She’s not a hoarder; she simply has more things than she can use. It’s a very touchy subject! We’re talking about things that she hasn’t used in years and that are unwanted by other family members.
Her own mother was an amazing person who prepared for her old age: she reduced her belongings on her own and moved herself into an assisted-living facility. My father has asked me to speak to my stepmother about this issue because he has tried so many times and failed. Any suggestions? – Son
A: I receive many letters from readers who bemoan the chore of clearing out their parents’ cluttered homes after they die, so I sympathise with this issue: your father wants his affairs in better order, and you may be anxious about a cleanup that will fall into your lap. But there’s an important distinction between being asked to help and being able to help, and I don’t see what you bring to this party, frankly. I would tread lightly here.
Your father has already spoken to your stepmother repeatedly about this “touchy subject,” to no avail. And you provide no insight into her reluctance: is she attached to these things? Does her mortality make her anxious? Does the task seem overwhelming to her? Without a better understanding, jumping into this conversation – because your father asked you to – doesn’t seem helpful. (Also unproductive: comparing your stepmother with her sainted mother who never inconvenienced a soul. Doubtful!)
You might suggest to your father that he offer to sit with your stepmother while she sorts her things. She may appreciate the support. Or they could create a budget for helpers to clean when the time comes. That would make it easier on you. But if your father is still concerned, he should talk to a therapist – or perhaps they can see a couples therapist together. I applaud your willingness to help, but I don’t see the benefit.
