Paul Holmes: Flagging a change for the better

The tino rangatiratanga flag has been tainted. Photo / Northern Advocate

There is much energy being spent by columnists and huffers and puffers alike about John Key's decision to fly the tino rangatiratanga flag from various significant buildings on Waitangi Day. But suddenly the tino rangatiratanga flag has moved up a few notches in terms of importance and official recognition. It is still unclear where it sits in official national life.

I cannot stand the thing. I think it is ugly. It tells me nothing about who we are and where we are. It has been hijacked by the haters and the eternally restive. Then again, neither can I stand the limpid, cobbled together, current New Zealand flag. There has got to be a way through the issue with a flag being designed that speaks to and for all of us in this increasingly diverse country.

One of the most common defences for the retention of the current Union Jack-infested thing is that men and women have died for it. Well, I'm sorry, they didn't. They died for their country and its friends and because they got blown up and shot at. I doubt that anyone gave a fig for the flag when they were lying in a filthy, muddy, faeces-infested trench, or when Rommel's tanks were bearing down on them in the middle of the night or when the Vietcong came out of the trees at them when they least expected it. It is a flag, a bit of material with a design on it.

What should a flag do? It should speak of who we are, where we are, what we do and what we stand for. It should promote us to the world. It should be a flag that helps our exporters and our national brand managers, like those who promote our tourism. A flag should make people sit up with interest. A flag should be unique.

Certain national flags are instantly recognisable to everyone everywhere in the world. Old Glory, the Stars and Stripes, the flag of the United States, is one. It is magnificent. Most of us know its story. It tells of the formation of the Union and how many states the Union now comprises. It is bright, proud, confident and striking.

There is no mistaking the Canadian flag, either, after they did away with their tired old Union Jack.

There is no mistaking the Union Jack itself, a brilliant design for a brilliant country, which also tells its story. Ditto the French flag. Ditto the South African flag adopted when the Rainbow Nation became a democracy.

But of the national flags that use the Union Jack in their top left corner, the only one that is vaguely recognisable round the world would be that of Australia, if only because the stars are a dramatic white and they plonk an extra big one on it as well. That flag would be known round the world, I should think.

Frankly, our flag could be confused with any number of those obscure Caribbean countries. It does nothing for us. It is hard even to see the red of the stars against the blue. It is insipid and lacking any character, just as New Zealand itself used to be. It does not shout to the world, "New Zealand!" It should. Let us, perhaps, retain the colours and the Southern Cross, add a silver fern and a pohutukawa flower but, for God's sake, let's do away with the Union Jack. We are us now, we are ourselves. Let's declare it to the world.

But this tino rangatiratanga flag is a bizarre thing. Its design will mean nothing anywhere in the world. The rest of the world would find it bizarre and incomprehensible. It hardly means anything to most of us. And, of course, it has been tainted by its promotion by the angry people.

Frankly, I do rather like that of the United Tribes designed in 1835. That does not displease. That is historic. A bit of re-jigging could do the trick. That speaks of both Maori and Pakeha.

What it would tell the rest of the world I have no idea, however.

Yes, Hundertwasser designed us one, but who wants a green flag? In any case, as a friend at the Australian Embassy in Vienna, a man who knew Hundertwasser slightly, told me years ago, Hundertwasser had terrible BO - and who wants a flag designed by someone with bad BO who designed public lavatories? And frankly, I'm sorry, but Hundertwasser's koru looks rather like the arse end of a dinosaur. My friend, the Australian, once asked Hundertwasser why he liked New Zealand so much, to which Hundertwasser replied in his thick Austrian-accented English: "Because it is green." Well, it is also blue and white and golden and red. Hundertwasser may have had a fixation.

It is all very hard, this flag stuff, and can do your head in. Probably, at this point of our history, we are going to have to live with two flags - a main, meaningless one, and an add-on, equally without wit. It is bad enough having one stupid flag. Now we have two.

And so this is Christmas, the end of another dramatic year. Well, they all are, of course. Out of the blue every year comes dramatic event after dramatic event. Nothing revived Michael Jackson quite like his death. Tiger Woods is finishing the year in his own private/public hell, revealed as a very active naughty boy, sponsorships falling away or teetering, Elin reportedly telling a friend she'll be out of there after Christmas. The Tiger news just keeps coming.

On a personal level, I do not remember a year going so fast. I am amazed when people ask me if I manage to keep busy. What with the Saturday morning programme on Newstalk ZB, TV One's Q+A on Sunday mornings, the daily radio comment for the Newstalk ZB breakfast, a couple of columns to write every week, painfully harrowing emails to answer from people whose lives are being torn apart by the P-addiction of loved ones, Paul Holmes Extra Virgin Olive Oil to promote and sell, and speeches to write and deliver, the weeks fly past.

Thank you for supporting my Herald on Sunday column again this year. I hope you have a well-deserved break, that you stay safe and that you will have warm times with your family. A very merry Christmas and a very happy New Year. See you back here late January.

- HERALD ON SUNDAY