There are Australian swimwear designers who live in Bali and there are all other women.
I'm one of the latter — a woman who doesn't live in Bali and impulse buys her swimwear on Instagram from those who do.
I have recently found myself asking — What the sh*t is happening? Let's go back.
Ah the bikini, another reason for women to busy themselves ripping hair out of their skin.
We've seen bikini situations throughout history. Throwing a discus back in the old Roman times used to call for something of a bikini. I know this from my extensive viewing of what they call, movies (I don't know, I'm not a scientist).
The bikini, as we know it, came to play around the 1940s and was a staple on our beaches by the 1960s.
Legend (Wikipedia) tells us Jacques Heim introduced the world to his new style of bikini in 1946 and called it the 'Atome'. As in the smallest particle. You know, from science class.
Itsy bitsy, teeny weeny, what a bloody treat! Freed from the conservative swimwear of the past, women could, in some parts of the world, romp about the sand with the ocean splashing about their bare navels. What. A. Treat! Excellent. Lovely. Until now.
Now I could go out naked with a red letter V scrawled on my privates with two pieces of string tied to my nipples and nobody would bat an eyelid.
Swimwear is not that good right now guys. Everything I try up goes straight up my butt.
I have seen women in string things to rival Borat's mankini, which is FINE except for those of us playing at home who want to keep our private parts private.
I am not trying to say you shouldn't wear whatever you want — get it all out baby, liberate that body! I love going without a bra, I believe people of all shapes and sizes should be able to get around in whatever they wish.
I just want to know that I have the option to occasionally keep my lady parts on the inside of my swimsuit.
Recently, in a swimwear store in Perth, I was fondling a cute as hell Baywatch-style swimsuit when the sales assistant let me down easy with a 'Oh, those only really work on fake boobs'.
She was correct. The tasteful side boob was — well — just full boob.
I wanted to buy this one-piece so much. I wanted to love it and wear it and run slow motion along the beach in it but there was to be no running for me. No support from this fire engine vision in Lycra.
I love a V-string, I love lace. I'm also fully supportive of the push back that is the high-necked bikini top. I am just begging you, Bali-based, well-curated Instagram-owning, businesswomen, remember the middle.
Make something that covers both cheeks and both boobs. Just one option in your line that the nervous pubescent girl, the bloated girl with her period, can wear on the days when she wants to swim but doesn't want to make the effort to tweeze and tan every inch of her body
P.S. Your designs are beautiful and congratulations on living in what appears to be a light-filled yoga studio. Please adopt me.
— Michelle Brasier is a Melbourne-based singer, writer, actor and comedian. Follow her on Twitter @michellebrasier